At times when I feel like I’m more important than I actually am, I have deep thoughts. I start thinking about what legacy I will leave behind and my introspection begs me to ask questions like “I wonder if I’ll ever get to drink Root Beer milk ever again” and “What band would play the soundtrack of my life?” I’m incredibly deep, it’s true. But seriously, do you guys remember those root beer milk cartons from elementary? Do you know where I can get some?
To celebrate Disney Nature’s documentary Chimpanzee out on DVD, narrated by Tim Allen, I proposed a FB poll of who would be the best person to narrate your life story. Honorable mentions ranged from Colin Firth, John Krasinski, Carl Weathers, etc. This made me think, who would I want to narrate my life? And would it be a documentary, biopic, or expose?
As a disclaimer, I have disqualified Morgan Freeman. He is everyone’s gut reaction when asked the question. One commenter commented on his absence. “That is just dumb. It is like asking who is the quickest sprinter in the world, but then saying that (Usain) Bolt will be disqualified if too many people answer with him.” Well too bad. I understand he’s probably the best out there, but he and James Earl Jones are not invited to this party.
5 – Sigourney Weaver
|The new version of ThunderCats just isn’t the same.|
She has proven herself by narrating the US version of Planet Earth. Though I prefer Attenborough’s voice on the UK version. I would say she has one of the most unmistakable female voices in Hollywood. Her voice has the matron-like qualities that would be perfect for talking about childhood. Her tone would give a sense of peace and wonder as she describes stages of being a toddler all the way till the first time I flipped someone off…. I was 7…. I flipped off my dad. Goodbye innocence.
4 – Zach Braff
|I’m not sure if this is Zach Braff, Dax Shepard, or my older brother.|
An odd choice I know. Definitely not one of the best voices out there. But this is the most realistic choice for who would actually be narrating my movie. He has the awkwardness and smugness in his tone. His voice would perfectly describe the terribly awkward high school years, let’s be honest, awkward college years as well. Plus, couldn’t you picture his voice as the movie shows vignettes from the waterpark (Lagoon-A-Beach) I worked at for years as a teen.
Many of you may have had more success with the ladies than I did. (Liars) But if you didn’t, and your voice still cracks, then you too deserve Zach Braff as your voice over.
3 – Jeremy Irons
|The creepy uncle of the animal kingdom|
I intentionally did not include James Earl Jones, but I did include his murderous brother, Scar (I may have a problem separating fiction and reality). Irons’ voice is perfect at displaying pride and malice. That’s why he would fit best narrating the early career segment of life. As an overachieving employee looking to climb the corporate ladder fighting your competitive coworkers in the cubicles surrounding you, his voice would fit very well. I can’t help but picture myself being some sort of scout leader (not creepy, stop that!) and singing the dark “Be Prepared!” to the young Webelos scouts.
2 – Sean Connery
|Admit it. You can’t look away from those beautiful eyebrows.|
Connery scored well on the FB poll. His voice is one of a kind. No one could play a bitter old man better than Connery. His voice would give post middle-age the right weight. I don’t know why I picture Connery as grumpy all of the time. As Bond, he was quite charming and even smiled. I think I’m picturing Finding Forrester Connery for some reason. But it’s high time he comes out of retirement, even if it is just to voice over a documentary/biopic.
1 – Sir Ian Mckellen / Sir Patrick Stewart
|Don’t trust him Stewart…|
No, I’m not cheating. The reason these two are grouped together is that their voices are strikingly similar. It’s no mistake these two played Professor Xavier and Magneto in the Xmen movies. They are mirror images. One light, one dark. (We all know Picard could never be evil.) An untrained ear would not be able to tell who is narrating a movie if these two were taking turns randomly. Both have great Shakespearian voices that would be able to give gravitas to the film about the end of someone’s life.
To all those who say this list is incomplete because it lacks Morgan Freeman, I say go back and watch March of the Penguins. You’ll take Captain Gandalf Picard in a hurry. With all this Star Trek talk I forgot one honorable mention, George Takei.