Before you scoff and curse my name for these terrible suggestions, let me ask you, “Are they any worse than ‘Battleship?” The day Battleship was announced I think we all had the same feeling, Hollywood just died a little. Well it turns out the movie was your average Transformers style alien invasion flick with hardly anything from the actual game. In fact, the best part of the terrible movie was when they actually do use the grid system to attack the aliens.
I know I’m leaving many great and classic board games off of this list. I chose not to use the games that are actually in development now. Yes, believe it or not, Candyland, Monopoly and Ouija movies are actually in progress. Yuck.
5 – Risk: The Battle for Australia
|That guy in the middle is 2 seconds away from swiping the board|
It is World War III, but the world’s modern military weaponry is no longer working. The warring nations of the world must go back to infantry, horses and cannons. Every nation has their own objective in defeating the other nations, but they all aim for one war torn battleground, Australia. Everyone wants the stronghold that is the land down under. It is by far the easiest to defend once you have overtaken its borders. We all know Mel Gibson would star in this, hopefully as Mad Max. Because the game Risk takes 19 hours to play, this movie would be directed by Peter Jackson. And just when you think it’s over, he announces he’s making another movie to extend the series. On a personal note, I’ve had friends refuse to play Risk with me. I’m a poor sport and tend to swipe the board if I play for 5 hours then lose.
4 – The Game of Life
|Meeting chicks at church never works out…|
Pixar comes back to it former glory with its new animated masterpiece about “Blue” a college aged peg who is looking to start his career and find the pink peg of his dreams. He believes in “The Wheel,” which gives him numbers at random and because he’s such a big believer in fate he must do what the numbers tell him. Due to this, he is a garbage man but is heavily in debt because he had to buy a yacht. He soon gets a child for some reason and is roommates with two pink pegs who drive a Subaru. Jason Segel voices “Blue.” John Ratzenberger plays the blue peg priest who keeps pressuring Blue to go out and socialize with more single pink pegs.
3 – Operation: Saw VIII
From the producers of the Saw 4 & 5 and the director of Soul Plane comes a new chapter in horror! A middle aged man wakes up in a dark, gritty room. He looks down at his bare chest and sees several gruesome punctures in his torso. The only thing in the room is a TV and a few jagged surgical tools. The TV turns on and he is told that several random objects have been placed in his body. He has a small time frame to remove each item, whether it is a bread basket, a apple in his throat or a wrench in his leg. But he must be careful, each of his punctures are lined in a very sensitive magnetic strip. If he sets it off, his body will blow up. If he doesn’t get the items out in time, he will be ripped in two. Will he be able to get the items out in time…would you?!
2 – Hungry, Hungry Hippos 3D
|They’re fun fun fun by the ton ton ton…|
In the vein of Piranha 3D and Deep Blue Sea, Hungry Hungry Hippos starts out as Hippos are experimented on in military compounds. They are are now 20″ tall and 40″ long. They are genetically enhanced to eat anything in their path, especially the floating mines surrounding enemy territory. But something goes wrong, as it always does. The Hippos, led by the alpha hippo Henry, become intelligent and turn on their masters. Follow Jeff Goldblum, Ice Cube, and Rosie Huntington Whiteley as they fight for their lives against the oncoming jaws of their ghastly creations. Can they stop them with the newest mine weaponry?
|Sharktopus better watch his back!|
My only worry, is that after the success of the first film, that the Syfy channel will inevitably get the rights and make 8 sequels about Hipposaurus vs. Manateegator starring Cyndi Lauper and Boy George.
1 – Jenga
|“In order to Rise, we must Fall.”|
The dark wizard has taken the princess to his tower. The only hope for her is an unwitting hero who, alone, must enter the tower and reach the top where the evil wizard awaits for the final showdown. This hero must climb staircase after staircase all while the wizard removes the floor panels from beneath him. With each section of floor being removed, the tower only becomes taller, giving little hope to the hero that just needs to make it to the top to save his betrothed. Follow Brendan Fraser as the hero, in his never-ending climb to the top of the shaky tower, where the slightest touch can bring everything down. Ben Kingsley plays the wizard, because, why wouldn’t he?