21 & Over comes to DVD and BluRay this week. As I think about how much I disliked that movie, it reminds me of previous party movies and how they depict teenage/college-age debauchery. It sure seems like a good time, and if I were a younger man, I’m sure it would get my hopes up about how much fun takes place takes place at these larger-than-life parties.
But as I look back on my youth and my humble partying days I can only reflect on all the lies that these glamorous party movies depict. This could really be a list of 30 misconceptions of throwing parties, but I’ll keep it to 5.
5 – The Girl/Guy Ratio Always Works in Your Benefit
In the movies, it always starts off awkwardly. A few guys just hope that people show up to their party, but then limos full of hot girls and buses full of cheerleaders pull up and the odds start looking fantastic.
Sadly, that’s never the case. Have you ever been to a party where there are a ton of hot babes in the pool? No, you haven’t. You have only ever been privy to a hot tub full of dudes and 2/3 of them have peed without telling anyone. I believe the proper term is Sausage Fest. I don’t believe the movie lie of an overabundance of gorgeous beautiful women at any given party. At best, it’s a bunch of dudes playing CoD and girls in the other room talking about the Bachelor.
4 – The Cops Will Show Up and No One Will Be Arrested
So we’ve all seen the plot device of cops who get a complaint about the noise level. The cops in these movies start off by giving a warning, but then get suspicious when some dude walks out the front door with bong in hand. They always insist that they check things out, but are shut down by some egghead telling them about some law or another. The cops always leave with their tails between their legs.
Even when movie cops storm a party, everyone runs out and the cops can’t grab one of them. Sorry, in reality, someone is getting caught and going to juvy. Either that, or the cops will call the “out of town” parents and eventually arrest them for endangerment of minors.
3 – Everyone Will Learn a Life Lesson by Dawn
Every movie party starts off with a stupid plan of getting drunk and getting laid. Okay, now I agree that even normal parties start off that way too.
But…why does every party movie have to show that insightful moment that happens either in the middle of the night or the next morning? In SuperBad, they both felt that their friendship was about to become more distant. In 21 & Over, Jeff Chang confronted his father about being his own person. And in Project X, the lead finally discovers love. Bleh. I’m sorry, after 90 minutes of debauchery, I fail to believe that they find their emotional sweet spot and the drunken party was the catalyst for a dramatic life change.
2 – Alcohol Poisoning isn’t Real
High school partiers have single-handedly kept Dixie cups in business. And business is good. Though, there’s just one small issue about drinking copious amounts of alcohol like they do in recently-released party movies. If you drank as much as some of these skinny high school nerds, YOU WOULD DIE.
These movies fail to mention alcohol poisoning at all. Sure, that ugliness probably happens after the credits roll and we stop caring. But movies like Project X (not the monkey one) show the nerd kid snorting coke, taking pills and drinking nonstop. He would have died in about 20 minutes. Ohhhhh….maybe he did die and the rest of the party all happened inside his head. Shyamalan twist!
These movies also show everyone being doused in beer at some point. And they are always happy about it. Sadly, having your clothes soaked in beer does not scream sex appeal, instead it makes you smell pretty bad.
1 – Your Crush Has Been Waiting for This Chance to Finally Talk to You
This one’s my favorite, because who really hasn’t been to a party and tried to make eyes with your crush and quickly look away when they catch you perving on them? Just me….?
Now I love Can’t Hardly Wait, but it and many other movies state that if you’re patient for 4 years and have secretly pined for someone, that your big chance will happen during “The Big Party.” Sorry nerds, it’s not gonna happen. Yes, people have done stranger things while drunk, but the girl of your dreams is not going to seek you out and confess that they, too, have noticed you and been too afraid to say anything.
Instead, if you do happen to go to the party of the year, you will probably just talk to your buddies and eat potato chips and argue about DC vs Marvel, while getting annoyed if someone spills beer on you.
(Author’s note: I have been to several parties. Many average parties have become legends based on others’ fish tales. Also, I may be a nerd.)