GEPPETTO
If this picture didn’t say it enough, let’s review the facts, shall we? Geppetto is an elderly “bachelor” who lives all alone, and, one day, he decides to make a doll of a little boy so he can play with it. Creepy, right?. Apparently that wasn’t good enough. Not soon after, Geppetto prays to have the doll turned into a real boy. Creepier. Maybe it was just his ploy to get in good with the sexy Blue Fairy, but let’s be serious here. This guy has way too much time on his hands and is obviously suffering some major sexual confusion. He needs a woman, and he needs one now. Otherwise, he may earn himself the nickname “Gep–pedo.”
ANNIE WILKES
No one can argue that Annie Wilkes has an ounce of sanity behind those big, bulging eyes of hers. Writers like to have faithful followers, but enough is enough. This is a woman who is beyond obsessed with the penman of her favorite book series. She makes Twi-hard Moms look moderately normal. From hobbling the poor author’s feet just to keep him from escaping so he can draft her the next entry in the series, to wrestling with pigs (for some reason), Wilkes has had a little too much time secluded up in the forest. Surrounded by the woods, it’s, ironically, the one thing she needs most.
FRODO BAGGINS
Talk about a guy who takes things too seriously. But with all the pressure on him, what with the whole “saving the world” thing and all, the poor Hobbit just needed some release. And between Gollum and Samwise (or maybe the ring), celibacy seemed about the best option. It never says, however, why he doesn’t hook up with some cute little female hobbit who can drop it like it’s hot once his perilous journey is over. Even four years later, he’s still preoccupied with his adventure. All he did was sit in his hut and write, and then sailed away to the undying lands. Well, here’s hoping he’ll meet a She-Elf with low standards so the guy can finally relax a little bit.
THE GRINCH
You can tell what this creep is thinking about just from looking at that perverted grin. I suppose it’s not totally his fault that he’s so damned pissed off at the world. He’s apparently the only tall, hairy, wrinkly, green monster around. Who would ever want to offer him some nightly lovin‘? He does have a dog, but let’s not go there. His only real choices are those damned Whos, who do nothing but obnoxiously over-celebrate Christmas in their phony-looking village. The poor guy evidently has a lot of built up sexual frustration that he just doesn’t know how to channel. A Freudian approach to this story would have titled it, “Why The Grinch Stole Christmas.”
MARY POPPINS
This uptight nanny must have coined the phrase “Why So Serious?” far before The Joker. Here we have a woman with practically no personality, always eeking out a tune preaching some form of responsibility, all while considering herself “practically perfect in every way.” Something in her definitely needs a-poppin‘. Seems most of her sexual appetite is satisfied by copping a feel from any banister she can take for a quick ride. Then she has the bitchiness to tease poor Bert into thinking that they might have had some kind of romantic relationship once upon a time, when she’s clearly more interested in her relationship with her annoying talking umbrella stick. This woman possesses little interest in sex, and has that umbrella stick up her ass for it.
