In the 5 Year Engagement, Jason Segel and Emily Blunt manage to find ways to put their wedding off time after time. And just as the title suggests, the wait becomes a 5 year postponement. I’m a big Segel and Blunt fan, but this movie was a half hour too long and you really start to feel like telling these two to poop or get off the pot. To celebrate the disaster that is their relationship, my list is the 5 couples who really wouldn’t last in reality and sometimes fantasy after their “happy ending.” (Side note: Massage parlors really have ruined that term.)
5 – Return To Me
David Duchovny and Minnie Driver
What a sweet movie. In fact, this is one of those untouchable romantic comedies. Whenever I bring this up, people tell me to leave it alone because it’s so bloody cute. No one is safe here on Showtime Showdown. To those who haven’t seen the movie, Driver’s character is a recent recipient of a heart donation. She is happy to be alive and meets a man (Duchovny) who seems attracted to her even though he can’t explain it. This is Minnie Driver we’re talking about. I would deny it as well. Well, it turns out that Driver has the heart of Duchovny’s dead wife and he must decide if he loves her because of how great she is or that she has the ticker of his deceased wife. Wow, that sounded like a completely different movie that what it actually is, and I think I like my plot better.
So these two would get hitched and life would be grand. That is, until EVERY SINGLE FIGHT they have. The fights would go something like this.
Minnie Driver: “You’re only comparing me to your dead wife! I wish I never got her heart!!!”
David Duchovny: “You don’t deserve her good heart! You’re spoiling it!”
Minnie Driver: “You Heartless Pig!!!”
David Duchovny: “No, that was YOU before you stole my wife’s heart!!!”
4 – Pretty Woman
Richard Gere and Julia Roberts
|“I wish I had a radio to push into the bath right now….”|
This is the be-all-end-all romantic comedy. Though scientists have yet to find a single joke in the film. Who wouldn’t want to experience the rags to riches story and be a prostitute who gets swept off of her feet by a mysterious rich silver fox? If that’s not a great way to meet someone I don’t know what is. We all know the end of the movie where Gere climbs the fire escape with a rose for the hooker. How sweet. But what happens after the credits?
They live together for a while and take some more time to get to know each other. But the more Roberts tells Gere, the less he wants to know. He starts to go crazy about her colored past and cannot let it go. He feels violated and embarrassed and starts to go insane with jealousy, even accusing her of sleeping with his coworkers so she can raise her social status. It all becomes too much as he becomes abusive and in the end leaves her back on the street to live out her days as the prostitute she once was. I think I may be a little depressed with that outcome, but it’s probably what really would happen.
3 – Star Wars
Han Solo and Leia
|“Judas strikes again!”|
Let me just take this opportunity to apologize. I know this one borders on blasphemy. But hear me out. They work great as a couple, but happiness would not last long.
Leia would soon become incredibly busy with the restoration of the force and reestablishment of the senate. Han would keep asking Leia for some personal time, saying “Will you ever bring out the gold bikini again?” But Leia would always have committees to lead and other plans. Han, who is obviously unemployed, because what kind of work can he get now, seeing as he was an illegal smuggler before, gets passive-aggressive and spiteful. He starts hanging out with Chewbacca a lot at the Mos Eisley Cantina and flirting with the local floozies. He messes up and the following would be their fight.
Leia: “I can’t believe you slept with an underage Jawa!!!”
Han: “I was really drunk! At least I don’t make out with my brother!!!”
Leia: “That was a mistake! There’s little chance that will happen again!”
Luke: “So you’re saying there’s a chance……”
2 – Splash
Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah
|Hey, it worked in Waterworld and you don’t mess with Waterworld’s science.|
I used to love Splash back in the day. But even in the 80’s, when I was young and hoping to see a naked Daryl Hannah, I knew something wasn’t right. That ending. It makes no sense. At least in The Little Mermaid, Ariel has to completely change what she is to live happily ever after with Prince Eric (Who seems to fall in love quite easily BTW). The end of Splash has Daryl Hannah jumping back in the sea to go back to her underwater kingdom. But Hanks decides to jump in after her, and apparently she kisses him and he can now breathe underwater.
What really happened? He died. Him swimming to the magical underwater kingdom was a fantasy sequence and he really drowned and was possibly eaten by Hannah’s brothers and sisters. It’s a twisted end, but the only one possible.
1 – The Graduate
Dustin Hoffman and Katherine Ross
|“So……..what do you like to do for fun…..?”|
One of the best uncertain endings out there. Dustin Hoffman had just “rescued” Ross from her wedding and they escape onto a bus, leaving bitter family members behind. They look at each other and laugh at what they had just done. But then it hits them…….. What now? They stop looking at each other and realize their mistake. I like to think that they now have nothing to talk about and are only together because they have burned every bridge in their wake.
Their relationship would never last. Keep in mind they only ever went on one date and even that was a little awkward. And you know what else is awkward??? When you have carried on a torrid affair with your girlfriend’s mom! She would never let him live that down. He also drifts through life, and we all know how attractive that quality is to the ladies. I give their courtship a few months. And just imagine if she and her mom ever made up, those family reunions….