In the mid 90’s, something started happening to Disney. I don’t know if it coincided with the loss of talent and beginning of mediocre animated feature-length movies, but for some reason, Disney started making direct to video sequels. I blame The Rescuers 2 for being half-decent. But I can’t name one quality sequel, not Aladdin: The Return of Jafar, Lion King 1 1/2, Mulan 2, or Pocahontas 2. Disney needed to pull the plug on mediocrity. Thankfully, Steve Jobs came in with Pixar and told Disney to stop making unoriginal sequels.
And then Pixar made some of the most original (not always good) animated films to date. But it seems like they once had some sure-fire ideas and now the well has run dry. Sequels are now upon us. We already have 3 Toy Story movies, with a 4th being rumored. Monsters University releases next year. And the sequel to Finding Nemo has been announced. And somehow, Cars got a sequel and it became the beginning of the end for Pixar.
So I thought I’d help them out a little bit.
|“Purple stuff, dill pickles, milk…Wait, Sunny D sounds good!”|
I’m actually surprised that Pixar has not yet made a movie about contents in a fridge. This animated classic will star all of your favorites: Chinese Leftovers (Jackie Chan), Chocolate Milk (Samuel L Jackson), Moldy Meatloaf (Edward James Olmos), and the missing kid on the milk carton (Chloe Moretz). The plot will closely follow that of Michael Bay’s movie The Island. Sure, every food item wants to leave the fridge, but if only they heeded the warning of the 2 month old lasagna and Arm & Hammer, they’d realize, it’s best to stay in the back of the fridge.
|The mystery has been solved.|
This one would fit well as an animated short before a full-length Pixar movie. It would follow the path of Mittens, the sock goblin. He breaks into houses every night to steal socks. Even though it seems devious and eventually drives every homeowner insane, he is actually trying to clothe the poor vagrant goblins. It just so happens that socks happen to be the perfect fit. This would become a heist movie as Mittens attempts to break into a left sock factory and escape death, danger, and guard dogs for “one last score!”
|“Don’t save him!….He’s just so smug…”|
It’s no secret that I love bad puns. They’re the lowest form of comedy, but for someone reason I can’t resist.
This film starts off with famous psychologists and psychiatrists on a pleasure cruise in the Caribbean. A huge storm rocks the ship and forces the group of head shrinks to jump on a liferaft just as the boat sinks to the depths below. This could work as a short or full-length movie. The rest of the movie follows Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Dr Spock, and Ivan Pavlov as they face the threat of sharks, storms, and the worst crisis of all, over-analysis. There is nothing these men can do without being judged or being accused of having severe bipolar disorder stemming from childhood trauma.
|Yes, this existed. Funny what the mind will purposely erase.|
Disney buying Lucasfilm opens up a whole new universe of crossover possibilities. It’s natural to have the most childish thing from the original SW trilogy, the Ewoks, in their very own Pixar movie. My 8 year old self does love the terrible TV movies (Ewok Adventure & Battle for Endor) but I really think Pixar could do them the justice they deserve.
This flick would have to follow Wicket (voiced by Warwick Davis), as he tries to find his way in life. His dad keeps telling him to get off the couch, get a job, and eventually move out, but like any recent Jedi college graduate, he is drifting. He can’t decide whether he wants to be a hunter/gatherer or fight the Dark Side.
Is it wrong I really hope this movie happens?
Deep in the Australian Outback, a pack of wild dingos kept their territory near Uluru (Ayer’s Rock). One female Dingo, Sheila (Nicole Kidman) was an outcast. She was reaching an old undesirable age and was never able to have cubs. The rest of the pack ostracizes her and makes her leave the territory. One night, as she was venturing off on her own, she finds an abandoned human baby. She cries loudly, but no one comes. She then realizes that if she doesn’t save and raise this baby, then it will die on its own. From that point on, we’ll get plenty of music montages about raising a baby-dingo so she can survive dingos and the dangers that lie within the Outback. It will be a girl-power version of Tarzan. All right Pixar, I’ll be waiting for your call.
And yes, I know I’m going to Hell.