5 Stories You Won’t Be Seeing in Amazing Spider-Man 3

Kenny D August 19, 2014 2
5 Stories You Won’t Be Seeing in Amazing Spider-Man 3

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was one of the first major movies of the summer. It had a huge opening weekend and made a ton of money, but is seen as one of the weaker movies in the franchise, reboot and original included. It did many things right and many things wrong, but it’s still feels unique due to the convincing relationship between Peter and Gwen. Unfortunately, the movie also had Jamie Foxx as one of the worst villains in recent memory. Who knew that becoming electricity-incarnate would fix the gap in your teeth?

Because the movie didn’t perform as well as Sony would have liked, they’ve delayed The Amazing Spider-Man 3 from a summer 2016 to 2018. I’m perfectly fine with the studio taking extra time to perfect the script. Let’s just hope they don’t go into the weirder avenues of the Spider-Man comics. The following stories are the worst Spider-Man arcs of all time. And no, I couldn’t make these up if I tried.

5 – Spider-Man battles hate

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Turn that camera off!!!

I always thought Spider-Man was a pretty tame comic book. Little did I know it was full of civil rights battles. In the 80’s, Spider-Man joins forces with a trucking hero named Razorback to crash a cult convention and save Razorback’s sister, Bobby Sue. As luck and predictable cliches would have it, they were walking into a trap set by the villainous (and not so subtle) Hate-Monger! Yes, his name is Hate-Monger. The villain’s grand plan is to kill the heroes on air to get high ratings for his televised rally so he can use his mind altering powers and brainwash everyone in the television audience to join his hateful cult, The Legion of Light. With the help of Razorback’s semi truck and his spidey sense, Spider-Man beats the Hate-Monger by hitting him very hard.

4 – Spider-Man mutates into a giant eight-legged pregnant spider

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Early stages of the Brundlefly

So apparently, 1 in 3 of us naturally have an insect gene. Peter Parker is one of these lucky people (obviously). All it takes to awaken him to his natural state is a kiss from villain of the month The Queen. Soon after, he starts mutating into a giant spider and becomes an uncontrollable force. But apparently Peter has the female insect gene because he is pregnant.

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The Queen watches as the 8 foot spider dies during childbirth. Yes, you read that right. Spiderman dies in childbirth. But what does he give birth to??? A human version of himself, with the same memories and a few new powers. He easily dispatches of the Queen. No mention of his former body/mother is ever made again.

3 – Mary Jane dies from Peter Parker’s bodily fluids…

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Wait a minute…that’s terrible.

Spider-Man: Reign is a recent comic that deals with Spider-Man at his old age. Think The Dark Knight Returns or Old Man Logan, but sucky. Spider-Man is in his 60’s and brought back to crime fighting to take on his old villains once again. It is a dark (wanna-be Batman) story and Spider-Man keeps having flashbacks of not being around when Mary Jane died of cancer, years previous. The thing is…he is the reason for her cancer. Apparently, when he was bitten by the radioactive spider in his teens, it made not only his blood radioactive….but his other fluids as well. Do with that as you will… I’m going to move on if you don’t mind.

2 – Spider-Man makes a deal with the Devil

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That guy has a face you can trust.

Soon after Peter Parker reveals to the world that he is Spider-Man, the Kingpin orders an assassin to kill him. Peter is missed but the bullet hits precious Aunt May. Now, Peter Parker loves Aunt May…too much. As she is lying on her deathbed, he does everything he can to bring her back to full health. He gets a little desperate for help and eventually meets up with Mephisto, (yes the Devil) and he offers a deal to Peter Parker.

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Let’s run away Aunt May! Uncle Ben would’ve wanted it this way!

The Devil assures that Aunt May will be saved in exchange for the life and love of Parker’s wife of 20 years, Mary Jane. Now let’s take a step back. Your 90 year old Aunt, who is on her last legs anyways, or your wife who has stuck by you through thick and thin (Not to mention, one of the few hot fictional redheads). So what does Peter Parker do? He makes the deal and sacrifices his wife. Not only that, but Mary Jane was pregnant. And in a fantasy sequence Spider-Man meets the daughter who would never be born. But the choice is still made anyways. This disastrous story was the set up for the reboot in the comics that would put Spider-Man back in high school. So Peter Parker gave up his wife and unborn child for his Oedipus tendencies and it still ended badly.

1 – Peter Parker is molested

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And this was years before he felt a spider sense tingle…

I feel bad even writing this. But I’m going to anyways. Even comics were victim to the after school special syndrome. In one issue, Spider-Man comforts a young boy who has been abused by his babysitter. So Spider-Man relates the story about his “friend” who has suffered through similar circumstances. The entire comic shows the story of the friend who happens to look just like a young Peter Parker. Unfortunately, Peter befriended an older boy/old man named Skip who earned his trust until he took advantage of Peter (too easy). Spider-Man tells the young boy the story and how he felt guilty even though he was the victim, until he found the courage to tell someone. And just in case the young boy was unclear about who was molested, Spider-Man tells him straight up. “That boy was me.”

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Someone should be imprisoned for what they’ve done to Spider-Man

2 Comments »

  1. lachlan crosweller November 7, 2012 at 8:31 am -

    Gives up his wife and kid to become a teen again. Wow. Also I read Spider-man reign. It was a bit confusing but still cool!

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