Messing with classic fairy tales we all know and love is the new thing in Hollywood. From Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters to Snow White and the Huntsman, these movies try to expand the story and make it more enjoyable for an audience that grew up on 2D Disney. I’m not opposed to messing with genres and formulas, but whoever tried to sell Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters to the world, missed the mark. It should have been campy fun, but it ended up taking itself too seriously.
I don’t think Hollywood is anywhere close to finished when it comes to the bastardization of old tales. So I figured I might as well jump in and give them some ideas. Here are the next 5 movies that will destroy your childhood and will make you curse the day you ever heard of Mother Goose (or Mutha F’in Goose, as Samuel L Jackson would say).
5 – Rumpelstiltskin
We all know the tale of how Rumpelstiltskin has the ability to spin gold thread right? He also has a taste for first born children. Well, the movie GoldSpinner takes place in a futuristic world, new father Liam Neeson is a contestant on a horrific future version of Let’s Make A Deal, hosted by old Rumpelstiltskin himself. If Liam wins, then he gets a huge cache of gold, but if he loses the game, he has to give up his first born daughter. It turns out that the game is rigged and Rumpelstiltskin takes the baby. But we’ve all learned that you don’t take away Liam Neeson’s daughters and get away with it. This will be a dark suspenseful dystopian movie in the vein of Running Man.
4 – Fairy Godmother (from Cinderella)
Sure she seems like a sweet old grandmother type, but Ms. Bippity Boppity Boo herself is not someone you want to trifle with. She secretly rules the fairy tale undergound. Not only that, but every time she does a favor for a hopeful princess, she makes them an offer they can’t refuse, and in turn she will be able to keep her illegal magic pipeline up and running while the royalty turns a blind eye. The last time Belle interfered with the Godmother’s business, she woke up with her horse, Phillippe’s head in her bed. Not smart Belle. I’m thinking the Godmother would be played by Kathy Bates.
3 – Red Riding Hood
I can’t decide whether to go with “Red Rider” or “Blood Red” for the title on this one. So, Red has grown up and now works for Meals on Wheels. She still visits her grandmother, but now she’s in a nursing home. Red brings everyone in the home their meals, but she starts noticing that the elderly residents start mysteriously dying and disappearing. She starts questioning everyone that could be a suspect, and realizes that she can’t trust anyone, even the new CNA Jacob, played by Taylor Lautner. Anna Kendrick will star as Red. Angela Lansbury will play her grandmother.
2 – Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Just picture a dark indie comedy where the humor is implied and the plot meanders, mix that with Goldilocks and you have the new Sundance hit “Just Right.” Jena Malone stars as Goldilocks, a girl who just can’t fit in. She’s either too funny in a quiet crowd, or too shy at a party. She just can’t find her groove. That all changes when she leaves the confines of civilization and roughs it in the wild. She befriends a family of gentle bears and there she learns the meaning of friendship, loyalty and hibernation. Critics will love this.
1 – Se7en
Agents Pitt and Freeman are back on the case as they try to track down the killer who has been brutally slaughtering the 7 dwarves one by one. Each of the dwarves are killed based on their names. Bashful had his faced bashed in, Sneezy’s lungs were filled with pepper, Happy died of an overdose of Prozac, etc (you get the picture). Everyone is a suspect. Fans will be terrified to find out what’s in the box, even being the fairest of them all doesn’t guarantee protection.
As an honorable mention I think Madea will have her own movie where she raises a family of 20 disrepectful urban kids in a shoe. I would even say this is inevitable because this is bound to happen. Here you have the newest Tyler Perry sensation. It’s called Sole Provider, and the sequel Sole Sista will be released promptly 4 months afterwards.