Some movies are so terrible, I find myself laughing harder that I did at “The Hangover.” All for the wrong reasons, of course. It’s just hard to take anything in movies like “Mega Pirhana” seriously. I’ve mentioned my buddy Dave Moody before, and once again, down in Payson, Utah, we were left scrolling through the Netflix ‘creature feature’ section for something to entertain us.
I suggested this movie because I wondered if the name Tiffany was the same annoying singer my sisters made me listen to way back in the ’80s, now trying to make a name for herself at acting. And, yes, it’s the same. Here she plays a scientist, which, in and of itself, is a punch-line. I watched her on “Celebrity Bootcamp” a few years ago, and she looks totally different now, in a bad way. She was never a true beauty, but she’s really let herself go. Just look at this picture; she used to be cute. Though, she still sports her signature blood-red hair. But, despite her efforts, she still comes across as the same dummy she was over 20 years ago.
After about a minute of screen time, it’s clear that there’s hardly a cliche going to be left untouched in this camp piece of filmmaking. First off, it isn’t scary. Anyone who finds this movie chilling must have some sort of deep rooted fear of flesh-eating fish that are the sizes of houses. “Mega Pirhana” harkens back to atroscious ’80s horror films such as “Night of the Comet,” “Basketcase,” and those bloody awful “House” movies. It’s just that the ’80s were a dreadful time for horror movies. There may be an exception here and there, like “Poltergeist,” but for the most part, I think most people would agree that the decade offered few scares.
Everything in this movie is so stupid it’s funny. I’d have to argue that the special effects are the bad even for this type of movie. I can’t help but wonder why anyone would try to make a horror movie about gigantic fish if the fish are going to look like they were designed on an outmoded version of Autocad. Sometimes they are as large as skyscrapers, other times about 50 feet in length. The monsters’ sizes are about as consistent as the original King Kong.
What’s even worse is the simple mistakes. We have a soldier training other soldier how to shoot the piranhas (underwater, where it’s obviously the safest vantage point) with what appears to be a plastic toy gun. Then we pan over to the soldiers who are all holding entirely different toy guns! Did some production assistant haul ass to the nearest Toys ‘R’ Us without thinking the guns should at least match? And, for some reason, the soldiers are then able to communicate with (unseen) radios while scuba diving. I’m no expert, but I don’t think that’s even possible, since they would have to breath through their mouth pieces. Then we have a reporter who is supposedly shooting on location in Florida, where the outbreak has occurred, yet a large mountain range looms behind her. I’ve been to Florida and mountains don’t exist there.
The continuity is also an epic fail. Sometimes characters suddenly go completely missing, other times they are standing behind a lead, and then sitting on the ground. It’s confusing as all hell.
Oh, and Greg Brady from the “Brady Bunch” also makes an appearance as some businessman/politician type. His scene is the same each time–he’s simply on his phone standing in front of a new backdrop each scene. I’m almost convinced he had absolutely no interaction with the rest of the cast.
But it’s so damned stupid, it’s great entertainment. I laughed so hard my sides hurt. It’s the type of movie you have to watch with other people and be in the right mood for. No, it isn’t the most productive way to spent 90 minutes, but you may be happy you did.