Goodbye Twilight…I’ll Miss You…

Kenny D November 16, 2012 2
Goodbye Twilight…I’ll Miss You…

No, I have not just come out of the closet.

In the following Breaking Dawn part 2 review I will give more examples of the movie randomness that we will no longer be able to partake of on the big screen now that the final Twilight has been released.

I personally don’t feel like this will be the last one. Stephanie Meyer has said she is open to the idea of writing more. Apparently, Sharkboy Lautner has hinted at a Jacob spinoff as well. And let’s be honest, people like money. And these movies make a lot of money.

When we last saw the sparkly gang in Breaking Dawn part 1, we learned that werewolves can somehow mindjack each other in their wolf form. Also Bella and pasty flat-face (Edward) got married and broke some beds…and apparently broke some vampire rules. Bella somehow got pregnant with Edward’s baby, which nearly killed her and left her looking like Mischa Barton circa 2007. The only way he could save her was by, apparently, eating her placenta and breaking open her stomach with his teeth. (Get a room) Then, when all was lost, Edward finally granted her wish and infected her with venom syringe? (Because biting the neck is so passe)

The movie ended with Bella becoming a vampire, while in the other room, Chief Abs Can’t Act (His real Native American name) became an instant pedophile imprinted on Edward and Bella’s newborn computer generated baby.

Yes, that all happened. I like hate to be a snob, but I consider the best comedy of 2011.

reborn, animated baby, fake looking baby, renesmee, twilight baby, creepy baby
Andy Serkis deserves an Oscar nod for this role.

I may have received threats of bodily harm for giving high marks to the movie. I even told men to ask their girlfriends/wives/cougar mistresses if they could go to the movie. People may have misunderstood that recommendation. All I meant to say is that it’s so BAD, it’s WONDERFUL.

Breaking Dawn part 2 picks up 3 days after Bella gave birth. She is healthy (as healthy as Kristen Stewart can look) and hungry for blood. Human blood. After that short and meaningless plot point is established, she meets her baby, M. Night Renesmee, for the first time. Apparently the CG animated baby has grown a few months in the past few days.

pedophile, imprinting, creepy love, twilight love, jacob, renesmee, creepy uncle
In a few months she’ll be legal!!!

As a side note, if anyone in the real world names their kid Renesmee, I will personally come to your house and shake the crazy out of you. (And your kid will hate you and divorce him/herself from you when he/she’s 13.)

Back to the movie. So the evil effeminate Italian vampire club catches wind that there is a vampire child and they make their way to Forks. To defend themselves, the incestual Cullen family starts amassing nice vampires from around the world. Just name a stereotype for a country and that’s how that particular vampire will be represented. And then for some reason, a Russian Annie Lennox joins the fight.

annie lennox, tyra banks, jake lloyd, breaking dawn part 2, twilight poster
And she’s joined by Tyra Banks and Jake Lloyd

Have I mentioned that this series is not really about vampires at all? How many times do you actually see anyone bite someone in this series? Like 4 times max!?! Instead of bearing fangs, every vampire has their own  mutant ability. Breaking Dawn part 2 felt more like a (superior) spinoff to X3: The Last Stand, than a vampire flick.

I don’t want to spoil the ending, but I will say that it does change things up from the book in a very big way. The final battle was Peter Jackson Dead-Alive style mayhem. I loved the carnage and I was sold on the movie in a big way. And that’s where I’ll leave it, because I walked out of the theater feeling that it was the best ending for a movie, but at the same time, the worst ending for a movie. I felt like they had made a 10 minute movie for me, but then they punched me in the kidneys and took away my happiness.

aro, michael sheen, overacting, worst movie ever, bad faces, awkward faces
“Heyyy Rob, I hear you’re single now…!!!”

I’ve never booed at a movie before, but I could not resist, and I was not the only one. Half of the crowd (the good guys) were booing, while the other half (Cougars) were cheering at the same time. Some heads were almost ripped off, I assure you.

Is this the best Twilight movie? It’s between this one and Eclipse. (not saying much) Is it as ridiculously bad as Breaking Dawn part 1? Sadly no. But it has its moments. But, I’m still recommending this awesomely bad movie conditionally. Go see it, but only in the first weekend, when it will have full audience participation. Go be a part of the booing, cheering, crying, and super powered musical montages.

And please, if you’ve seen the rest of them, you’ve already seen this flick before you read this.


  1. Sarah November 17, 2012 at 5:27 am -

    Ha ha ha ha ha! I hate these movies, but I love them too because they are so unbelievably melodramatic and strange. I’ve actually only seen the first two…but I will need to do some catch-up via Red Box because these sound too hilarious to pass up. I remember when the books came out and some of my in-laws were reading them and raving about them. I tend to go by the philosophy that a book isn’t good until it stands the test of time. However, I was curious about the plot, so I checked it out on Wikipedia. I swear, the plot lines there were about as long as the book. When I read about the whole placenta thing, I thought “What in the world?!” Seriously, it sounds like these movies might compete with Wicker Man for the “so bad, it’s funny” prize. I’ll have to check it out!

  2. Johanna November 19, 2012 at 7:25 pm -

    I have made a pact with myself to never see any of them. I saw KStew in that Snow White movie and I’m afraid it did a number on my brain. It’s gonna take a lot of therapy. Enough said.

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