Vampire Academy is out on DVD/Blu-ray today. It is just one more adaptation of the current young adult purge going on in Hollywood. It’s safe to say that Vampire Academy won’t be the next Hunger Games based on its level of quality or box office receipts. It really isn’t all bad though. In fact, it’s actually enjoyable to watch because it takes itself a little too seriously. Very few modern movies miss the bar by so much. The dialogue is cringe-inducing. The movie is one long explanation of exposition. Very little happens in the story because the writers were trying to overexplain the history of the characters and every little addition to this unnecessary world. If you want a flick for bad movie night, I can definitely recommend Vampire Academy.
In honor of Vampire Academy, I wanted to list the most dangerous schools in fictional universes. You’d hope that schools were meant to be places of learning and safety. The following schools provide neither.
5 – Jedi Academy (Star Wars)
Who in the world doesn’t want to be a Jedi? Even those who eventually went to the dark side typically started out as Jedi knights in training. The education of a padowan starts at a very young age. As we saw with Anakin, even a 10 year old was seemingly too old to start training. We didn’t get a clear look at the Jedi Academy until the prequels and even then we only saw younglings playing the Jedi equivalent of Fruit Ninja.
While wielding a lightsaber and commanding the force would be freaking awesome, it seems that the risks outweigh the positives. First, you’re never supposed to get involved with anyone or get married. So you’re basically a priest with a sword. Things start getting disastrous for the padowans/Jedi knights in Episode III. The Jedis are pretty much taken out one by one. Also, Anakin commits the unforgivable sin and kills the younglings in training. This school should rank higher on the list because it has a survival rate of 1% even for alumni.
4 – Hogwarts (Harry Potter series)
Hogwarts is a school that dreams are made of. I’m sure die-hard Harry Potter fans would sell their souls to spend one semester in its halls. How great would it be to to get your own wand, try out for the Quidditch team or find out your house from the sorting hat? Sure, the sorting hat sounds cool unless it places you in Hufflepuff. At that point, you’re destined for mediocrity for the rest of your wizarding days. It could be worse, if you get Slytherin, you are destined to be a serial killer. So there’s that.
Hogwarts is full of dangers that no parent should expose their children to. They keep a demon guard dog. The basement is home to a giant basilisk. Dementors are allowed to invade the students’ privacy at any point. Let’s not even get started on the faculty they select for Defense Against the Dark Arts. These teachers range from conjoined voldemort dudes, lycans, shady celebrities and death eaters. Nice screening process. The danger at Hogwarts culminates in the final battle at the school. Once again, probably not the best place to send your kids. Don’t worry too much though, J.K. Rowling chickens out and doesn’t dare to kill any major characters. But you may never be the same again (see also: fat Ron Weasley).
3 – Okishima Island School (Battle Royale)
Battle Royale, a Japanese thriller made in 2000, was the clear inspiration for The Hunger Games. In this bizarre Japanese dystopia, a classful of students are gassed while taking a field trip and taken to Okishima island where they are told that they need to literally fight for their lives. Their faculty describe that there can only be one winner/survivor in the end. Sort of like Highlander but dressed like school girls. Also, if the students break any rules or try to get off the island, their collars will explode.
Though all of the students are terrified and confused about what is being explained to them, there are several of them that instinctually take to the game and become psycho mass murderers. The loyalty of each of these students’ friends is tested throughout the movie. If the students hesitate to eliminate another student, they usually end up with an axe in the head.
2 – Springwood High School (Nightmare on Elm Street)
Springwood is a perfectly normal looking school. You don’t need to be afraid of anything within its walls. However, don’t get drowsy in class. Falling asleep, even for a moment, could be the death of you. This school, awfully close to Elm Street, is the place where the janitor, Fred Krueger was burned alive.
If your parents stayed in Springwood to raise their kids, then you’re out of luck. Freddy Krueger took his revenge out on the children of the parents who lit him on fire. This movie led me to the belief (that I still can’t shake) that every school has a terrifying boiler room. 1, 2..Freddy’s coming for you.
1 – Sunnydale High School (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Not everyone who goes to Sunnydale High ends up dying. Though, the lives of the student body were always under constant threat. The students either become the haunts or end up being haunted/hunted. It’s amazing that any students made it to the graduation after three years. If it wasn’t for Buffy, they wouldn’t have.
The major reason for Sunnydale’s inclusion at #1 is that it sits on a Hellmouth. Even if you don’t catch the reference, it’s obvious that’s a bad thing. Because of the Hellmouth, it’s not uncommon for an apocalpyse to approach at least once a year, especially right before summer break.