Beauty and the Beast Review

Kenny D March 17, 2017 0
Beauty and the Beast Review

Little studio,
Running out of ideas.
Ev’ry film
Like the one before.
Little studio
Full of big executives,
Clamoring to say:

Remake! Remake! Remake! Remake! Remake!

There goes our money on some more live-action,
The same old tired trend they sell.
It feels like a sure thing,
Box office dollars it will bring,
Nostalgia and comfort…

belle, beauty and the beast, beauty and the beast 2017, emma watson, disney remakes

Producer 1: Good morning, Producer 2!
Producer 2: Good morning, Producer 1.
Producer 1: And where are you off to?
Producer 2: The vault. I just pitched a remake of the most wonderful story about animated animals and Uncle Remus and…
Producer 1: That’s nice. Let’s film it! Hurry up!

Well here it is, we’re redoing a classic.
It is a tale… as old as time.
It’s familiar and it’s sweet.
It’s safe, but no big feat.
It’s a slightly longer version of that tale.

Producer 1: New songs?
Producer 2: Okay!
Producer 1: Don’t try too hard, though.

Producer 1: The cast?
Producer 2: …okay…
Producer 1: Why’s no one French?

Producer 2: LeFou?
Producer 1: He’s gay.
Producer 2: But not offensive.

There must be more than this lackluster fluff!

(More studio talk that isn’t really parody-worthy)

Bill Condon was Disney’s pick for director.
Same guy who championed Breaking Dawn…
Over two hours — what a chore,
Your children will get bored.
Just watch how they’ll get restless and they’ll yawn.

(cut to water fountain)

Ohhhh, if you missed the nineties.
You will enjoy this somewhat new story.
Belle and the Beast are charming,
But this Stockholm Syndrome clone,
Just feels like it’s lazy.

Now it’s no wonder that this will make money.
The Disney magic still resides.

But behind the nostalgic feel,
It lacks the same appeal.

No diff’rent from the original.
I’d rather watch the original.
Let’s all go watch the original on Blu-Ray!

C

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