Texas Chainsaw 3D review

Kenny D January 4, 2013 0
Texas Chainsaw 3D review

Really? This is how we’re starting 2013? That’s a shame. January is typically a dumping ground for late-coming Academy Award contenders or crap that the studios don’t know what to do with.

Take a guess which category the re-re-remake of Texas Chainsaw belongs in.

If you look on rotten tomatoes, the plot summary of this movie is as follows, “A chainsaw-yielding killer known as Leatherface terrorizes a group of young teens.” …..yeah….

It’s not that I expect a complex Inception-style plot in my horror, but after watching Cabin in the Woods I expect something more. In 2003, there was a pretty solid attempt to remake the series. It starred Jessica Biel and it followed the standard horror movie plague of the 00’s. I liked the grittiness of the movie but it had far too much torture porn. (See also Saw, Hostel, Master of Disguise)

You know a movie is going to be absolute crap if 3D is actually part of the title. Tell me one movie that has 3D as part of its official original title and tell me if it’s good. I dare you.

3d movies, 3d horror movies, horror in 3d, worst ideas ever, i hate 3d
Presented in Disney Real3D

I guess it’s not fair to call this movie a remake. It is actually a sequel to the very first original 1974 flick. It even shows pivotal scenes from that movie in the opening credits. And it doesn’t skip a beat and even continues the ending of that film and what happened to the backwoods, cannibalistic Sawyer clan. Turns out, the angry hillbilly townsfolk burned their house down and one couple managed to take a baby and raise it as their own.

I’m really confused about the time frame of this movie. The Sawyer family was killed in 74, but this movie takes place in 2012. And the little baby has now grown up to be a 18 year old girl. Shouldn’t she be 38? Oh well, this is Texas Chainsaw 3D. I’m sure it’s not really meant to make sense.

So this girl who looks like Selena Gomez finds out that she is inheriting an estate in Texas. She brings her 3 friends and a hitchhiker along for the ride. I don’t listen to rap, but apparently Trey Songz is the black guy in the cast. (Don’t you worry, he’s prominently heard on the soundtrack as well). The other 2 friends look like Eva Mendez’s little sister and Chaz Bono. But they really don’t matter because you know they’ll die early on.

So Selena Gomez is actually cousins with Leatherface. After running for her life, she finds safety in the town, but there she uncovers that the townspeople are no less guilty. So even though Leatherface has completely butchered her friends, she comes to the conclusion that blood is thicker than water. Essentially at the end of this movie, you may find it difficult to find someone to root for. Should you be cheering on the power hungry mayor or the serial killer who wears human flesh on his face? Hmmm…. I’m going to root for the fact that this movie won’t do well enough to get a sequel, or reboot, or revamp.

If you’ve seen any form of 3D in a horror movie, you know what to expect. You’re basically going to get extended shots of a chainsaw coming at you at least 4 times. Not really worth the extra 2 dollars and not worth naming a movie Texas Chainsaw 3D.

I would now like to apologize to anyone that had planned to see this movie. I only ruined it (for the most part) because I like saving you money. Skip this one.

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