5 Love Triangle Ladies that Men would never fight for

I recently watched This Means War and could not get past the fact that Chris Pine and Tom Hardy were both willing to nearly kill the other to win Reese Witherspoon’s heart. Seriously, this is Captain Kirk and Bane we’re talking about! Who am I to say what their type of woman is, but I feel they could both do better than old pointy chin herself. I can suspend my disbelief only so long. So that inspired me to think of the most unrealistic love triangles in film involving two men and the woman stringing them both along.

5 – Kate Hudson in My Best Friend’s Girl

Ten days to lose a guy? Most would only last one.

In My Best Friend’s Girl (lousy actor) Jason Biggs and (world’s worst comedian) Dane Cook both vie for the affection of Hudson. I’m not really sure when Hollywood decided she would be a rom-com starlet. It’s difficult for me to imagine one guy falling for the grating voice of Hudson, nonetheless two. Also, I’m about to embark into chauvinist territory here but I prefer girls with better bodies than skinny hipsters guys. The biggest victim here is her real-life husband Matt Bellamy, lead singer of Muse. Please Matt, don’t let her corrupt your music.

4 – Kirsten Dunst in Spider-Man 1-3

“All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…”

I have a confession to make, Bring It On is one of my guilty pleasures. I can’t deny the spirit fingers. With that, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and Interview With A Vampire, I have never had a problem with her. But I never got into her as Mary Jane Watson, the inevitable partner of Peter Parker. It’s obvious that she and James Franco will never be together, but I can’t even see why rich kid Harry Osborn would even be interested in the homely ginger his best friend has pined for all throughout school. As far as Peter goes, I know she is literally the girl next door but he could do better than snaggletooth. He has great power, and a great responsibility to end up with someone much more attractive.

3 – Renee Zelwegger in Bridget Jones’ Diary

“This is the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Renee may be the least attractive person on this list, if not the least attractive woman ever. I never know if she is squinting while looking into the sun or just near the point of crying. Why is her face so puckered up? Why is she so famous? I guess the question is, why WAS she so famous? Obviously her character in Diary is supposed to be less-attractive but am I still supposed to believe smarmy Hugh Grant and Colin Firth can’t help but romantically knock her off her feet?

2 – Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Dark Knight

Either Maggie Gyllenhaal or my buddy Jeremy from college.

You know there is a problem when people long for Katie Holmes over you. The character of Rachel Dawes is a tricky one. She is seen as the flaw in both Batman Begins and Dark Knight. At least Katie had cuteness going for her, Gyllenhaal looks like a droopy faced puppy dog. I can not see the two most powerful men in Gotham vying for the conditional love of Jake Gyllenhaal’s sister. I think we all know that the man who deserves the hottest woman ever is freaking Batman, and she is not it. I personally wish he would have not gone after her when the Joker threw her off the building. Batman deserves better than this.

1 – Kristen Stewart in the Twilightt Saga

“This is the happiest I’ve ever been.”

You’re telling me that the great war between vampires and shape-shifting werewolves is over this waif-like, pasty faced, monotone stoner chick? I know every girl relates to Bella because she is a soulless carbon copy they can cut and paste themselves onto, but they could have at least cast a hot girl that would supposedly be “the one” for a hundred year old emo vampire. Kristen Stewart is the dullest person on earth who only has one range on the emotional scale; she always looks bugged or near the point of a migraine. I’m just saying that the pickings in sparkly vampire land are slim indeed.