5 Survival Lessons I’ve Learned from Horror Movies

It’s not yet October but I can’t help but get into the Halloween spirit. I’m not a goth or a member of a high school stage crew, but Halloween is my Christmas. There are few better times of year than when the leaves change color and fall, the weather is getting colder and most of all, I start watching horror flicks in surplus. Cabin in the Woods is now out on Bluray and DVD and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve always been a die-hard Joss Whedon fanboy and this Whedon written/produced movie is the 2nd best movie of the year. If you’re a horror movie fan and haven’t yet seen Cabin, shame on you! It will proudly be shelved next to Shaun of the Dead and Army of Darkness in my movie library. To celebrate its release I present, The 5 survival lessons I’ve learned from horror movies.

5 – Run!

“I miss the days when we just had slow zombies chasing us.”

Here’s a situation, your friends ask you if you’ll go party with them over the weekend while camping or visiting an abandoned mine/hospital/cabin/nunnery. When you start packing your clothes for the trip, what kind of footwear do you bring? Your answer better be “running shoes.” Best case scenario, if nothing happens, hey, at least you didn’t cut your feet on anything by just wearing flip flops. But if something terrible occurs, then you will be ready. P.S. It wouldn’t hurt to be in shape. There’s a reason the fat people died first in Zombieland.

If you hear a noise from the attic, see a figure down a dark hallway, or feel something wet drip from the ceiling, you should only have one word in mind. “Run!” And don’t stop, don’t ever stop. Don’t look behind you, only look in front of you for any branches or ditches that will trip you up. It’s true that no matter how fast you fun, Jason will catch up with you, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to stop.

We should all know to never, EVER run upstairs or in the basement. Where are you going to go from there smarty pants? You may be thinking, “Well, if I find a good hiding place, this otherworldly demon won’t find me…” Nice try. They can smell your fear. And if they don’t smell you, you’ll tip them off to your location with a sneeze or squeaky floor. Don’t hide, just run.

4 – Stay Together!

“You’ve got red on you!”

Thanks to Scream we all know that by saying “I’ll be right back!” will get you killed. It’s simple arithmetic. If you’re alone, you’re helpless. You won’t even get the chance to scream out for help. But if you’re surrounded by a group of your college frat-mates (asking for trouble) the killer will hesitate and, if anything, kill the slowest one in the group. Just think about The Blair Witch Project. When the 3 of them were together, they were only terrorized but not attacked. Then Josh runs off and his teeth/ear/eye/pastrami sandwich were left for the others to see.

Also, when you’re together and you realize that someone is missing, don’t go looking for them. Don’t send anyone to go searching either. Especially if you hear the missing person cry out for help. Chances are, they are already dead.

Oh, and never fight. This is inevitable when you have a group in a frantic situation but fighting will only lead to the group splitting up, and that’s when people die.

3 – If you find a dusty artifact, don’t mess with it!

The first edition of the Berenstain Bears

Curiosity killed the cat. If your definition of fun is exploring and sleeping in abandoned property and it doesn’t look like anyone has been there for years, don’t go around inviting any unwanted ghouls. Have Hellraiser and The Evil Dead taught you nothing? But I know some of us can’t resist to read that strange book, written in Latin…about evil spirits. Did you find the oldest gramaphone ever invented and decide to play the record covered in cobwebs? I would stick with an iPod for tunes in that case.

Leave the Ouija boards at home ya sick freaks. Forget anything mystical for that matter. There is only one thing you need to pack for camping (besides running shoes), and that is ingredients for S’mores.

2 – Listen to the kids!

Mom, your favorite show is on again….

It is said that children are in-tune with their surroundings. They don’t have the distractions of work, stress or money. They are more susceptible to the supernatural for sure. Just look at Poltergeist, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, or The Shining. I’m not talking about kids who turn evil and will probably eat you or cut your achilles tendon

I’m looking at you, kid from Pet Semetary

I’m talking about your kid who has always seemed “different.” Then one day they come and tell you that something has started talking to them about its plans to kill you.

If your kid starts seeing dark shapes in the mirror or stares at the same point on the wall for too long, then you need to put away your skepticism and ask everything they know. It’s far too common for parents to ignore their children in horror movies, when all along they could be the key to survival.

1 – Be a virgin!

“Give me some sugar baby!”

This one is obvious. The “final girl” in every horror flick is either a virgin, or the purest person in the group. Who knew that horror movies had such high respect for morals? With the exception of a few of my friends (snap!), it may be too late for us with the whole virginity thing. In that case, listen to your parents when you’re telling them about your weekend getaway with friends, and behave yourself. Do not have sex! You will be punished. Sex is a guaranteed death sentence. It takes away your quick thinking and instead makes you tired and kind of stupid. Typically, in horror films (Friday the 13th being a good example) if you are spared during the act, then the man will offer to go get some drinks from the fridge and break rule #4. He will be killed and the girl will subsequently be slaughtered. That’s horror movie 101.

Now, let’s imagine you’re camping near an abandoned mine for some stupid reason and you start to hear strange noises. First, you should all run, keeping in line with #4 and #5. Second, you should look at everyone in the group and start silently judging everyone. You’ll easily pick out the funny guy, the tramp, and the jock. But if you see someone who is more innocent than you, then you might as well count the minutes you have before your soul is taken and you’re impaled. (not necessarily in that order).

The trick is, when friends ask you to go camping, always make sure you’re the most innocent person there. Sure, it’s still going to be terrifying, but at least you’ll survive…..until the sequel at least…

And here’s this picture, just because.