We live in a world where the Fast and the Furious franchise is working up to its seventh movie. Each sequel manages to bring in half a billion dollars. I don’t want to live in this world anymore. Because those movies do so well, someone thought it would be a good idea to adapt the popular video game series, Need for Speed. I’m okay with Hollywood attempting to make the first successful video game adaptation. However, Need for Speed has never been known for its story. The plot of the games is as follows: Outrun the cops and beat the other guy. Someone thought adding Aaron Paul in a revenge story mixed with Cannonball Run would be a good thing. It wasn’t.
Because Need for Speed was made and because I have far too much time, I’ve come up with a list of five more racing video games that need to be adapted for the big screen. I may have put more thought into the posters than the actual plot. Yet, so do the producers of the Fast & Furious movies, so I’m in good company.
5 – Rad Racer
In the long-awaited sequel to the extended Nintendo commercial, The Wizard, the cast returns for an adventure they never expected. It’s 25 years later when Jimmy and Haley are captured. Corey (Fred Savage) receives a ransom note telling him that they won’t be harmed if he gives up the world’s last Power Glove. He is willing to give up the priceless memento for the safety of his friends, but he is given a deadline. He only has 15 hours to drive from Topeka, Kansas to Reno.
Corey must get behind the wheel and utilize the Power Glove to travel 1,500 miles in order to get to his friends on time. Of course, the entire movie will be capped off with an old-school Nintendo gaming tournament revolving around failed Nintendo artifacts from days past. Corey must beat the villain in matches involving the Virtual Boy, Power Pad and the Superscope.
Stay tuned for the stinger after the credits which reveals that the Power Glove contains one of the Infinity Gems.
4 – Jet Moto
In this post-apocalyptic wasteland, survival is key. The terrain is so treacherous that no car could travel safely on the uneven roads. The only way to get around in the future is by hoverbike. The original Playstation 1 Jet Moto game showed souped-up wave runners that could travel on snow, mountains and jungles. This movie will expand on that as these hoverbikes are the main source of getting around. Think of a future western where cowboys ride hoverbikes instead of horses.
Keanu Reeves plays “The Max.” He is an unwitting civilian/former Jet Moto champion. His life is ripped apart as the villainous Gunner (Guy Pearce) shows up and kills the sheriff of the dusty town of Black Water Falls. The Max must step up as the new sheriff and face off against Gunner in a race that will decide the fate of the town.
3 – Excitebike
Premium Rush was a modest success at best. (And no, Premium Rush is not the name of an energy drink or deodorant). Everyone was surprised when Joseph Gordon-Levitt announced that he’d be back for a sequel. The sequel leaves the busy streets and dangerous life of a bike messenger and ventures into the world of Supercross racing.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt will reprise his role as Wilee, who is an inexplicable Motorcross expert. He is able to swiftly conquer death-defying courses without breaking a sweat. He ends up retiring from the sport to take care of his sick uncle. His retirement is short-lived though. It seems the Triads have a lot of money invested in the sport and want Wilee to return and race in the most dangerous dirt bike track of all time. This most malicious track engineers have created a track full of jumps and ridiculous hills. Wilee refuses to return, but the Triad leaders sway him into the competition, claiming that they have the antidote for his uncle’s mysterious disease.
Wilee enters the race, even though it could be a fatal experience and his last ride. Look for this movie to come out in the sucky movie month of February 2019.
2 – Star Wars Racer
When I played the N64 classic, which I wrongly believed was called Pod Racer, I couldn’t help but think about what kind of movie it would make. Imagine if George Lucas decided to a prequel to the classic Star Wars trilogy all about Pod Racing. Sure, Star Wars Episode 1: Racer is a little awkward but it’s better than Phantoms and Menaces. The game had amazing graphics for the 64-bit machine, not that you could tell. It moved so quickly that you could barely focus on any one thing.
The movie version would be as follows. The best drivers in the universe have been captured and are forced to drive in an intergalactic racing competition. Think Death Race 2000, but on planet Tatooine. Steve McQueen is the older Obi Wan mentor character, obviously. The Driver, the Transporter and the ghost of Paul Walker (too soon?) must drive in an exhilarating pod race for a galaxy of fans. The amazing scenes of pod races will only be broken up by pit stops where each contestant must have a light saber duel with Darth Maul (who gets a prominent role in the movie). The final scene shows Speed Racer having a light saber duel with Darth Maul as they are both steering their pod racers. As long as the movie only consists of these scenes, the fans will be happy.
The alternate ending shows Jar Jar Binks being shocked after sticking his tongue on a pod racer, and then subsequently exploding.
1 – Mario Kart
Mario Kart is arguably one of the greatest racers ever created (Gran Turismo, don’t me mad. I still love you). The great legacy of the series started back on the Super Nintendo and only got better with Mario Kart 64. The recent game, Mario Kart 8 managed to bring the Wii U out of its lifelong slump, well, more out of the slump. If you never experienced late nights at sleepovers or times when you and your college roommates were supposed to be studying for finals, but were playing this game instead, you know how great it is. Nintendo once had the gaming world conquered, but they didn’t venture to major feature films after the Super Mario Bros fiasco.
It’s time for Mario to get back in the spotlight. The plot for this racing movie would be quite dark. Apparently Luigi is tired of living in the shadow. Mario always gets the glory and the princess. Luigi is always sent to haunted houses in second-rate adventures. One day, he’s finally had enough and starts creating a new drug and distributing it to the other racers. He finally reaches his nefarious potential and becomes the kingpin of Rainbow Road. This enhancing drug, called Blue Shell, speeds up your reflexes and helps you rank near the top in every race. However, the drug ends up killing the racers just before they cross the finish line. It’s up to Toad and Mario to investigate who is behind the drama that has turned the kart racing world on its head.
There are several captions for this movie:
“This movie will a-peel to the whole family!”
“Shell out your money for this animated hit!”
“Don’t be a shy guy. See this movie today!”
