Scene: JJ Abrams walks into Kathleen Kennedy’s office at Disney Studios.
Kathleen Kennedy: Welcome back JJ! How is work on the Felicity reboot going?
JJ: Great! I just added a mystery box to keep people hooked for at least two seasons. Is there something you wanted to talk to me about?
KK: Well….this isn’t an easy request, but I’ve fired a few directors and no one will work with us anymore. In short, I’m asking…will you come back and save the new Star Wars trilogy?
JJ: What do you mean? I left it in perfectly good hands. Everything after the end of The Force Awakens should have been a home run! You’d have to be an idiot to mess up something like that!
At this point, Kathleen Kennedy looks to Rian Johnson wearing a dunce cap in the corner of the room.
KK: It’s worse than you can imagine. Sure, we made over a billion dollars in the last movie, but Solo lost money! And people on twitter have been really mean about us!
JJ: How bad can it be?
KK: He’s. Changed. Everything.
JJ: Calm down Kathleen… We’ve still got amazing new characters that people really liked! I mean, look at Rey. There’s so much mystery to her. She’s so powerful and people are on the edge of their seats about who her parents are.
KK: He decided to make her a nobody…
JJ: What?! Then why is she so sensitive to the Force?
KK: Everyone is now.
JJ: Everyone?
KK: Yeah…even random cameo slave kids on unnecessary casino planets. We wanted to make the Force seem more accessible.
JJ: I hate it. That makes our hero seem inconsequential, but at least our villains are fantastic. What did he do with Snoke?
KK: Cut him in half.
JJ: WTF!? (What the Force?)
KK: Yeah… Rian thought it would be cool to…
Rian Johnson: I thought it would be crazy to subvert everyone’s expectations!
KK: Rian Craig Johnson! If you want your own trilogy, you will turn around and shut your mouth this instant!
RJ: …yes ma’am.
JJ: We can still work with this. I’ve got a great idea for a villain <Reminds himself to watch Return of the Jedi that night>.
KK: It gets worse JJ. He shipped Kylo Ren and Rey.
JJ: I can’t even. They were supposed to be cousins!! At least she’s a nobody now and it won’t get weird.
KK: Oh, it gets weird. They do this force-skype thing and Rey catches him looking steamy without a shirt on.
JJ: You can force-skype now? He’s just making up force powers?! What’s next? Flying through space after being blown up?
KK: <gets shifty eyed> No…?
JJ: Well, we’ll always have Luke. This is the Skywalker Saga after all. He can accept the call of The Resistance and train Rey to be the Jedi she needs to be by the end of the series.
KK: About Luke… He’s pretty disillusioned and doesn’t really like being a Jedi anymore. In fact, he hates it and was literally chilling, not wanting to be bugged.
JJ: But at the end of my movie, she handed him the lightsaber!
KK: He tossed it behind him and called it a laser sword.
JJ: How did he react when he heard that Leia requested his help? Or when Han died!?
KK: He milks the breast of a Thala-Siren and takes a swig.
JJ: Unpasteurized?! Kathleen!
KK: Well, it had to be unpasteurized. We had to make him weak enough to die when he force-skypes…
JJ: This will upset fans beyond belief! And I can’t imagine what the critics will say!
KK: That’s the thing JJ. They loved it. Though, I think it’s because it upset the fans so much.
JJ: Okay, this is an absolute disaster, but I can work with this. I already had an outline for episodes 8 and 9 anyways. Now i’ll combine both movies into one. Sure, my new movie “The Rise of Skywalker” will be rushed and feel haphazard, but with enough John Williams music and a couple extra lightsaber battles, we’ll bring fans right back in. Our movie will almost completely ignore Rian’s, but we’ll somehow have to deal with his terrible choices. We’ll blow up a planet just for good measure, make it a road trip macguffin search, and bring back legacy characters to make this seem sincere. I can’t promise a great movie. Heck, it may not even be a good movie. Certain critics may even give it a much deserved C-, and that’s okay. There will still be Easter eggs to make fans squeal with delight and we’ll double down on that. The end might neuter everything that came before, but it will be satisfactory enough to deliver on a lot of what Force Awakens promises. At the very least, we’ll give fans the exact finish they know and loved before.
KK: So, give them Return of the Jedi again?
JJ: Precisely. <Emperor laughs in the background>
George Lucas force-skypes in from his $4B space yacht.
GL: This is the darkest timeline! You’ve destroyed my baby. However, I’ve got one word to solve all of your problems – Midichlorians!
<John Williams score kicks in>
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