I know I shouldn’t hope for movies to fail, but every year needs a handful of turkeys. It’s not that I want movies to be terrible. I’d rather not waste two hours of my life on a film abomination, but inevitably there will always be cash-grabs and sloppy scripts that somehow make it to the big screen. There were several forgettable movies released in 2013, but these are, in my humble opinion, the absolute worst of the year.
10 – Lee Daniels’ The Butler
I thought I’d start up a little controversy with my choice for the 10th worst movie of 2013. This movie was a huge success with audiences. I’d argue that its success is due to the little competition it had in the box office. Part of what makes this movie so bad is the falsification of events. The only things that the true story and this movie have in common is that there was once a Butler that worked in the White House for 34 years and also that America has a long history of racial discrimination. Because Forest Whitaker’s character worked under 8 presidents, we get to see random actors play each president. For example, Robin Williams is Eisenhower, John Cusack as Nixon and Alan Rickman as Ronald Reagan. The entire premise screams gimmick. The movie plays out like Forrest Gump. It’s essentially Civil Rights History for Dummies. Also, there’s something wrong with your movie when Oprah is the best actor.
9 – The Big Wedding
Hollywood Producer: “So we’re making a very formulaic wedding comedy about a dysfunctional family and we need a mediocre cast.”
Casting Agent: “Well, all we have available are Robert DeNiro, Diane Keaton, and Susan Sarandon…”
Hollywood Producer: “It’s almost perfect. But I feel like we’re missing someone else unlikable…”
Casting Agent: “Would Katherine Heigl do the trick?
Hollywood Producer: “Absolutely! Now let’s get to work on eliminating our target market by making The Big Wedding a rated R geriatric sex comedy!”
8 – R.I.P.D.
As if we didn’t get enough Men in Black last year, we get an unofficial remake…but this time, they hunt unruly ghosts. Ryan Reynolds plays the snarky Will Smith role, while Rooster Cogburn plays the Tommy Lee Jones role. I’m fine with a ghost-hunting movie, but they should have actual ghosts and creatures in the movie instead of terrible CG mutants. This movie is best left forgotten. It’s a shame that once-promising Reynolds has thrown his career away. Not fun fact: Ryan Reynolds chose to do this movie over the Deadpool movie he was born to star in.
7 – A Good Day to Die Hard
The first time I heard John McClane say “I’m on a vacation,” I cringed a little bit. The 4th time he said it, I started laughing out of pity for the screenwriter. The 7th time he said it, I wanted to burn the theater down. There was no reason for this movie to be made. It took everything that was good about the wrong-place-wrong-time John McClane formula and made him an invincible superhero. He became invulnerable to gravity, bullets, and Chernobyl radiation in this mockery of the Die Hard franchise. I needed a vacation after seeing this movie.
6 – Only God Forgives
Two years ago, director Nicholas Winding Refn and Ryan Gosling teamed up to make my favorite movie of 2011, Drive. Admittedly, it was a bizarre movie, but I could get past the odd pacing because it was all so iconic. I was very excited for their next venture. So, you can imagine how disappointed I was when I saw Only God Forgives. Refn and Gosling took the awkward pauses of Drive and multiplied them by 11. There are zero likable characters in this movie. Honestly, you don’t care for any one of them. There are several scenes between Gosling and his mother that would make Oedipus cringe. Only God Forgives feels like it wants to be an art film but misses the mark entirely. It’s so bad, it makes me question my love for Drive.
5 – White House Down
It’s not that anyone is asking you to accept a Roland Emmerich movie as good. It’s the fact that people would have you believe this is a fun summer movie. I was laughing so much at the unintentional jokes in the theater, that I started to feel bad that I was ruining the movie for the rest of the crowd. In reality, the movie ruined the movie. This movie was so laughably bad that it made the bombastic Olympus Has Fallen look like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Thankfully, White House Down bombed and we won’t be getting a sequel. That leaves Emmerich more time to work on the unnecessary sequel to Independence Day.
4 – The Last Exorcism Part 2
You know there’s a problem with your movie when its title is an oxymoron. The first Last Exorcism movie (see the confusion?) surprised me. Sure, it used the annoying found footage technique, but it took a few risks with the plot that made it memorable. That low budget movie was successful enough to spawn this boring travesty of a movie that follows the possessed girl from the first movie as she is still haunted by the demon. If I were to judge a horror movie by scares (even jump scares) the 2nd Last Exorcism fails miserably. It manages to be boring and ruins any credibility the first movie had.
3 – Movie 43
Why was this movie made? Was it to cash in on Funny or Die type sketches? Do certain celebrities feel the need to be taken less-seriously? Why am I asking so many questions? This movie is full of A to C-list stars in a series of sketches made to make anyone blush. And not just for the immature content, more that people should be embarrassed that they are actually sitting through it. In this modern take on Kentucky Fried Movie, you get Hugh Jackman with testicles on his chin and entire skits about defecation, periods and pretty much anything that’s disgusting. This abomination should not have been created and everyone associated with it should have to sit in the acting penalty box for at least a year.
2 – Grown Ups 2
One of the worst movies of 2010 actually got a sequel. I honestly just want to know who enjoys these movies. I may have to question our friendship. This movie coined the term “Burp-Snart.” That’s really all you need to know about this movie. If Sandler, James, Rock and Spade all got together and burped, sneezed and farted for 2 hours it would still find an audience. The most shocking thing about this series is not the low quality of jokes, it just that these movies are void of jokes. Everyone involved in these movies can do better, except Spade, he hit his peak with Joe Dirt.
And now we come to the worst movie of the year. But not only is this movie being crowned with the worst movie of the year award, but it is officially the worst movie of all time. I’m not kidding. I often get asked what the worst movie I have ever seen is, and the answer will be easy to give.
1 – Spring Breakers
Sprayng Brayyyyyyk. Sprayng Brayyyyk Forevvvvvvah…
Critics have praised this movie for pushing boundaries and thinking outside the box. Apparently they were all on acid because there is nothing remotely good about this movie. “Director” Harmony Korine shot a total of 10 minutes worth of footage and put his camera on shuffle to last over 90 excruciating minutes. This movie was supposed to stand out because it had Disney girls gone bad. Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens didn’t do any favors to their credibility or acting reputation here. It’s nice to see that James Franco can smoke a lot of weed and get away with playing a character at the same time. I still have nightmares where all I can hear is Franco saying, “Sprayng Brayyyyyyk…” If you think that I’m overreacting with my hate for this atrocity, I dare you to watch this movie…sober. This is the worst pile of garbage to ever hit the big screen. Spring Breakers is the worst movie ever made.
