Just in case you don’t remember, The Hitman’s Bodyguard (starring Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson) was an actual movie released in August 2017. It was enough of a success to warrant a sequel and here we are.
In this sequel, former professional bodyguard Michael Bryce (Reynolds) has been dealing with plenty of PTSD based on his previous explosive exploits with hitman Darius Kincaid (Jackson). While Bryce attempts to take time for himself, he is wrapped up in a new crisis that directly involves Kincaid’s wife, Sonia (Salma Hayek).
I want you to imagine the game of Boggle. Though, instead of letters that you’d hope to create words with, I want you to imagine action movie tropes and plots in their place. Okay, now shake the board and let the pieces settle. Tell the other players to yell at you all at once. Now, throw a firecracker in the game board. Let it explode and burn to the point where the melting plastic fumes kill your brain cells. You’ve now experienced The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard.
This movie kicks off with a bang and never lets up. It’s in high gear from start to finish, and while that is good for pacing, I sat there scratching my head wondering if I missed crucial plot lines because I had no idea what was happening in the plot and why I should care. It reminded me of my college days and missing a math class. I knew then, that I’d most likely never catch up to what I missed. And while I paid attention for each minute of the movie, I felt like I had missed something crucial. The truth is, however, the plot is about as standard as they come, but saturated with attempted twists and character development.
The cast is stacked with recognizable actors. Joining the original three we have Antonio Banderas and Morgan Freeman. It should be noted that Banderas is playing a Greek warlord looking to destroy the economic machine of Europe and bring Greece back to its rightful place as a world leader…?
I’m honestly not sure if there was a script for the actors to work from. This feels like each actor is working their best improv skills and be the most funny and loudest person in the room. Reynolds tries a non-violence angle in this movie, but the act grows tiresome quickly. Jackson is there to drop F bombs for laughs(?). Salma Hayek is there to yell at both men and might possibly be the most ear-splitting actor in the flick. She did make me laugh once, as she tried to do a British accent in one scene. Unintentionally, it was hilarious.
Not only were the actors loud and abrasive, it felt like the director was competing to have his voice heard. In between decibel-breaking rants given by the actors, there were so many explosions in the background, it would make Michael Bay feel insecure. A car flips over – explosion. A boat hits a barrel – explosion. A dog pees on a hydrant – explosion. It’s like The Last Action Hero without the meta humor.
I honestly feel like my brain has been scrambled because of The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard and this review is proof of that. Fans of Ryan Reynolds’ smug humor and Samuel L. Jackson’s one-note potty mouth will have much to laugh about. Though, this loudness contest has no sense of direction, no real plot, and complete apathy among the actors. Ryan Reynolds, it’s time to change your career path and go for some dramatic roles. Much like the first movie, I’ll forget about this sequel… that is, until my end of year Worst List. D-
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