I struggle with the decision to write a “Worst Of” list every year. I believe in the power of positivity and only focusing on what brings us joy. That said, I’m inspired by a movie quote by an infamous character. It reads, “That’s how we’re gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love.” This is said in regards in how to fight a war.
That quote is absolute rubbish and I feel the need to go against it in every way. So I present to you the only way I know how to fight what I hate. Here are the laziest, unnecessary and tone-deaf movies of 2018…
10 – Mute
If you haven’t heard of Mute, I can’t really blame you. It started streaming on Netflix last February and few people noticed it. It tells the story of a mute bartender (Alexander Skarsgård) who takes on gangsters in a future-noir city to find out what happened to his missing girlfriend. I had this movie on my five most anticipated list for 2018 for some reason. I’ve been following the career of director Duncan Jones since Moon and Source Code, but Warcraft soured me on him. Mute continues that downward trend. This low-budget, borrowed-concept movie wastes some real talent (Paul Rudd & Justin Theroux) and plays like an extremely violent slapstick movie that happens in the ghetto of Blade Runner’s world. Chances are you skipped this one and have now read one paragraph too much about it.
9 – The Grinch
Oh Illumination Entertainment, you have made passable, mindless animated filler an art form. I wish you’d stay in your lane and make billions capitalizing on your own forsaken creations (like the Minions) instead of adding a heavy dose of vanilla to a Christmas classic like How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Feel free to jump to my rhyming review here and you’ll get exactly how I feel about this bland remake.
8 – Life of the Party
Melissa McCarthy is no stranger to my worst movies lists (as you’ll see). Surprisingly, she puts in a very good performance in this year’s “Can You Ever Forgive Me?” Though, like Will Ferrell of old, she’s gotta cash in those paychecks. This paycheck is about a mother who joins her daughter’s sorority to get a fresh start in life and ends up creating some crazy hijinks. It’s a guarantee that when McCarthy stars in her director husband’s (Ben Falcone) movies, (Tammy, The Boss) the movies are sure to be garbage juice. If you love movies with college pranks and antics, slapstick Melissa McCarthy, and off-color humor…you should still not watch Life of the Party.
7 – The Nun
It’s so much interesting to see how a simple horror movie like The Conjuring has created its own cinematic universe. The movies in this franchise are spotty in quality, but have now reached a new low with The Nun. This prequel tells the story of a demonic nun that terrorizes an abandoned abbey. This lazy thriller takes an incredible gothic setting and time period and only provides jump scares and some really strange exposition to tie it in with the other Conjuring/Annabelle movies. The scariest part about this movie is that it made $365 Million on a $22 Million dollar budget, so we’ll definitely see a sequel.
6 – Book Club
Book Club is a movie-going experience I’ll never forget. Somehow a friend, who is very masochistic, came with me knowing what we could expect. Thankfully, we got more than we expected. Book Club is about four women (Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Mary Steenburgen) who try to spice up their love lives after reading 50 Shades of Grey in their book club. It wasn’t that every joke made me embarrassed, it’s rather the cringe induced with every attempt of mother hens being naughty. I honestly couldn’t stop smiling because I was sitting with a theater of actual book club attendees and they were eating up every single line. It’s not my flavor of movie, but I can’t take away the fact that the filmmakers knew their audience.
5 – Gotti
Poor Gotti has been through the ringer when it comes to critical reviews. It will always hold a place on the internet’s worst movies of all time list for years to come. It’s sad that this turned out to be such a blunder because John Travolta clearly cares about the role of former mob boss John Gotti. He’s putting in so much effort to nail the part, that it comes off as stiff. Perhaps his performance would be forgotten if the movie was edited in a somewhat decent manner. However, this lazy mobster movie that dumbs down every mafia movie trope deserves to sleep with the fishes. (What have I become?)
4 – A Wrinkle in Time
Sometimes, books from our past are meant to stay there. This adaptation of the classic childrens’ book goes for broke… and sadly, that’s all it gets. This is the kind of movie that feels little need to tell a story, but rather have three enchanted space gods show up in your backyard and say that you need to “tesser” to another planet to travel through dimensions and space. This is an acid-laced ride that may be just as detrimental as the real thing to your child’s brain. This glorified screensaver is complete with a bad script, stilted acting and horrible close-up camerawork. You and your kids may hate it, but at least Reese Witherspoon is having the time of her life.
3 – The Darkest Minds
It’s been years since a young adult adaptation has found a measure of success, both critically and financially. The Darkest Minds gives it a go as the unwanted child of X-Men and Divergent and fails on every level. This is a world where most of the world’s children have mysteriously died, and those who are left have super powers. You may think that X-kids on a road trip to find sanctuary would be cool, but there is never any real threat. Every YA trope is used, down to the shady government, the uncertain sanctuary, and the typical love triangle. The main character has the ability to erase minds and I honestly think she did a number on me, because I can’t remember a single scene from this movie. I can only remember struggling to keep my eyes open for the 104 minute length.
2 – Slender Man
One of the more infamous internet boogeymen finally gets his shot on the big screen. Though, perhaps this ghoul is better left as internet folklore. The “horror” of Slender Man is that if you literally look at him, then you’ll die that second…or soon. Or sometimes you don’t have to look at him. But you’ll still die…or go missing…or something. If you’re the dumb teens in this movie, you can summon him, and then you can die…or just have really weird dreams about him. I typically go easy on formulaic horror flicks, but this one tested my patience the entire time.
1 – The Happytime Murders
What in the world was Brian Henson (the director and son of Jim) thinking? I’m sure he thought that expanding the Muppet brand by inventing this kind of world would draw crowds that can’t get enough of the crass comedy of Deadpool. However, nothing works. Instead of writing actual jokes, they just hope that a strung out puppet soliciting unsavory acts will be hilarious. Happytime Murders wants you to laugh at puppets saying the F-word so bad that it might as well have an “Applause” or “Uproarious Laughter” sign blinking in the corner of the screen. The human actors (McCarthy, Elizabeth Banks, Maya Rudolph, Joel McHale) are slumming it for a paycheck and possibly didn’t read the script, which may have actually been written by puppets on crack. This was a 90 minute cinematic root canal. I’m only happy I saw it because I knew it was the guaranteed #1 worst movie of 2018.
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