Alien movies have always been a mixed bag. They’re typically centered on sci-fi action, and rarely meant to be horror movies. I blame the Men in Black. In doing intensive research (i.e. watching a ton of movies) about Alien invasions, I have noticed a recurring theme… Aliens are morons. Not only are they rude and ugly, but more often than not, they have no idea what to do when they get here.
The following movies are the 5 best examples of the most inept Aliens that have ever tried to take our planet over. Seriously, these guys are idiots.
5 – Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Yes, this movie is a real thing and if you have seen it then you deserve +3 cult movie points. This movie is great in a not-so-great way. Basically Killer Klowns come to earth to destroy all mankind. They use bubble gum and popcorn guns to kill us and eventually trap us in cotton candy cocoons. Once again, let me remind you that this movie is a real thing. Well, just like any 80’s movie, a rag-tag group of teenagers stop the alien threat. In the end, the thing that stopped the clowns was a badge popping a giant clown nose. In turn, their ship/circus tent exploded. The survivors were kept safe by hiding in ice cream coolers, proving that Indiana Jones was not the first movie to “nuke the fridge.”
4 – War of the Worlds
In the 2005 version of the story, the alien tripods have lived under the Earth’s surface for thousands of years. Apparently, they saw Tom Cruise walking down the street and suddenly they decide to take over the world one random day. We all know that these aliens are destroyed by the common cold. So now we know that if we are attacked by giant robotic aliens, we just need to send in our dirty, mangy kids to the front lines and we will be saved.
3 – Independence Day
Jeff Goldblum: The Original Mac Hipster
If you’ve seen this movie once, you probably retain good memories of it. If you’ve seen it twice, then you’ve probably already realized how terrible it is (except for the President’s speech, that is). So the aliens attack and have impenetrable shields covering their ships. After all attempts to stop the aliens have failed, a TV repairman (Jeff Goldblum) creates a virus using his Apple Powerbook and uploads it to the alien mothership. Look, I know Macs are powerful, but somehow they’re compatible with alien motherships? If only the Avengers knew that, they could have stopped the Chitauri much sooner. I think we’ve learned from War of the Worlds and ID4, that it’s best to get our shots and download some antivirus software before we ever try to invade another country.
2 – Plan 9 from Outer Space
If you haven’t seen this awesomely bad movie yet, you owe it to yourself to watch it right now. I’ll wait.
This is arguably known as the worst movie ever made. Its terrible acting and special effects really make it worth watching. When the aliens attack the planet they do so by bringing the dead back to life. But their zombie plan was meant to be a distraction, so they could stop our military from discovering a currently unknown substance called Solarbonite, which will end up destroying sun molecules and eventually the entire universe. By telling the military about the substance, they have helped them get one step closer to the destruction of everything. The aliens are destroyed because of their own stupidity, but at least they revived Bela Lugosi.
1 – Signs
I’ll come right out and say it. I love Signs. Back when it came out, I was still of the mindset that M. Night Shyamalan could do no wrong. Signs was the hat trick for him. Ah, how times have changed. It may be difficult to think of that movie as a horror, but you cannot tell me you didn’t jump when you saw the alien at the kid’s party or when another alien reach under the door frame.
But man, those aliens are so stupid. Their biggest weakness, next to baseball bats, is water. And they came to a planet that is 70% water. Granted, we wouldn’t know of their weakness at first, but it wouldn’t take long for some hillbilly spraying an alien with his garden hose and then spreading the news on Twitter until the world would just turn on their sprinklers and take care of the alien invasion in under 20 minutes.
Seriously, aliens? Seriously?
That clown movie and Plan 9 sound hilarious. I would love to hear your list of the best “so bad they are funny” movies.
As for Signs, I still really enjoy it too…but you would think that aliens who are easily killed by water would at least wear some kind of suit, instead of attacking us while completely naked.
Also, wouldn’t it have been faster to kill that alien by picking up the glasses of water and pouring them on him? You’d think that by smashing them with a bat, you’d be losing more water to the ground than splashing him with it. We must be efficient with our alien killings, you know.
There has to be a new contender after 2013 — the precursors from Pacific Rim. These inter-dimensional herpa derps decide to attack us with giant beasts. All well & good, but according to the film, they send ONE — just one — & then wait SIX MONTHS before sending another. They then proceed to send one at a time with long gaps in between & slowly ramp up the size & power of each. This is like one country starting a war with another by firing a handgun once, waiting six months in hiding, then coming out to fire another single shot, then, over a period of TWELVE YEARS, working their way incrementally towards nukes — instead of, you know, maybe releasing ALL THE NUKES (Cat 5 Kaiju) at once, or in as short a timeframe as possible?
The pre-cursors’ intelligence seems to mimic a cicada as much as their faces do. LOL just awful strategising.