The end of 2012 quickly approaches. And if you believe that the world will end this coming Friday just as the Mayans predicted, then we have approximately 4 days left to live. I’ve called Morgan Freeman and requested an extra ticket to his underground sanctuary but he hasn’t called back. Just in case I do live past 12/21/12, I think I should do my best to improve my life and take a note from the movies. What better place is there to learn about life than the movies? The following choices are the biggest life lessons I’ve learned from movies released this past year.
|“Liz & Dick deleted scenes?! This must be destroyed!”|
Two movies have shown us the error in watching old videos. In the little seen V/H/S, a group of burglars break into a home looking for one particular video tape. A person is tasked to filter through the pile of videos to find the right one. But each person disappears as they watch each supernatural snuff film. But of course, someone new comes in the room and starts watching a different one.
In Sinister, Ethan Hawke moves his family to a murder house. He finds a mysterious box in the attic filled with 8mm film reels that, of course, he watches. Each video shows a family in better times, then the scene changes and you see the family being killed in grisly fashions. Oh Ethan, you should know better…now your poor family is next. If a creepy looking box full of videos shows up in my house, I’ll just assume they’re possessed and burn them, even at the risk of losing precious family memories of me mooning the camera when i was a kid.
|“Thanks for agreeing to help me move…”|
Cabin in the Woods taught me several life lessons. Most of those lessons had to do with surviving in a constructed horrific situation. I will never mess with ancient artifacts, read latin prose, or go to someone’s old cabin in the first place. I’ve also learned that the ancient evil that exists in the world looks to punish and kill the “un-chaste” people first. They are willing to let virgins live, but that is also optional. Cabin in the Woods shows that even the girl who everyone thought was the virgin, was clearly not, but the ancient evil will take what it can get.
I’m just saying, but I think I would have been the only guy to survive a horror movie, based on my college “experience.” Sad face.
|The Business of Being Born 3: Requiem|
But apparently you can’t strafe and run side to side to avoid a giant rolling spaceship. Prometheus taught me many important things. Apparently the smartest space biologists have an affinity towards space snakes and treat them as if they were picking up a kitten from the animal shelter. I’ve also learned that we descend from a long line of albino space jocks whose only form of communication is ripping off heads. But the clincher is that anyone can undergo a self-performed Cesarean Section, staples and all, and only feel pain for minutes.
Thank goodness I’m a guy and this sort of complicated plot-hole ridden space travel hasn’t been invented yet, but when it does, I know just the machine to take care of such matters.
|Stop or you’ll go blind!!!|
It’s been months since I’ve seen The Amazing SpiderMan and I still don’t know what to think. I want to like it. But it just felt like a retread of everything we saw Tobey Maguire go through the first time around. One thing it did not redo, even though it’s essential to Peter Parker, is Uncle Ben saying “With great power, comes great responsibility.” It is the line that reminds Peter what his path is.
I think I’d follow the path of the cast of Chronicle. After finding a mysterious alien meteor in the ground and discovering secret powers, I would get a little crazy. Crazy awesome, that is. Sure, I would try to do good among the community, but that can only go so far. With powers of telekinesis, it would be impossible to not vandalize and destroy everything in sight.
|“A kiss under the mistletoe can be deadlier, if you mean it.”|
I love Batman. This is not meant as a criticism. If Christopher Nolan is telling me that a severely broken back can be fixed by a strong, yet precise doctor pulling a swift hadouken, then it must really be possible. This must be a secret that an ancient order of chiropractors have been keeping for centuries now. When I start my pit fighting career, I will make sure there is a east Asian chiropractor on hand. Have I mentioned that Batman is awesome?