Don’t freak out. I haven’t been swayed by the hordes of Twilight moms out there. I’m not currently wearing a Team Edward shirt, nor do I have Renesmee tattoos. I may have a Michael Sheen tattoo, but it’s from Underworld, not Twilight. If you’ve ever read this site more than twice, you’ll know that I’m being mostly facetious. But it’s “mostly” for a reason. I just can’t hate the Twilight movies. They have given me so much unintentional entertainment and laughs, that I’m really quite sad that they’re done for good. Knowing that there was a upcoming notoriously bad sequel in the sparkly vampire franchise made me happy in a sick sort of way. I actually looked forward to the cinematic blunders. Am I a sado-masochist?
Anyways, the following are the top 5 things that I’ll miss about the Twilight flicks now that they’re done.
5 – Staring/Mumbling
There is so much staring in the Twilight series. Scientists have researched how much the characters stare at each other awkwardly in the 5 movie franchise and they’ve reported that 40% of the series’ screen time is taken up by awkward/romantic staring pauses. (There is a 40% chance I made that up). I really will miss this though, as weird as that sounds. I was excited every time that Jasper was on screen, because he never had more than one line per movie. It’s almost as if the director would tell him to stand in the background and stare at the camera as if he is contemplating on where to find a restroom because of his severe IBS.
Also, when the characters were not staring at each other longingly/hungrily, they were talking to each other in quiet, mumbling tones. Kristen Stewart cannot speak above 32 decibels. These characters might have been spewing the most romantic sonnets since Shakespeare and we’d never know it. These movies have taught all men that we don’t have to talk to our ladies. Next time your significant other asks what you’re thinking, you can just say, “Baby, we don’t need to talk, let’s just listen to Paramore and stare at each other.” Casanova could not dream of handling it better.
4 – CG Babies Hooking Up with Telepathic Werewolves
Breaking Dawn Part 1 is the funniest movie of the bunch. Not because it wanted to be, but because of the special effects it was trying to get away with. My first gut laugh came when Jacob turned into a wolf and his Quaalude buddies (in wolf form) try to back him down so they can kill Bella. These movies are basically the vampire version of X-Men. Everyone has powers, and that includes the wolves. Their powers apparently are ESP related. They can essentially mindjack and the results are hilarious.
At the end of the movie, after Renesmee is born, Jacob the wolf boy sees her and imprints on her (nastier than it sounds). But instead of a newborn baby, we are instead treated to a rough draft of Dobby the house elf. The effects are absolutely terrible and this continues into Breaking Dawn part 2. They show her several times in part 2 during different stages of her life and she never once looks real. I guess no one in Twilight’s effects department has heard of rendering. Thank you Breaking Dawn for providing me with so much laughter.
3 – Random Reasons to Take off my Shirt
In New Moon, Jacob goes through wolf puberty. Apparently this causes you to sweat a ton because he never wore a shirt once. I understand that sometimes when you morph into a giant beast that clothes can get in the way. But then, why do they always keep spare jeans shorts around. We all know they’re the most uncomfortable thing anyone can wear. This trend inspired me to take off my shirt for no reason at all. Granted, I don’t have Taylor Lautner’s abs, but that doesn’t stop me from attempting to wolf out.
Now with the series over, people aren’t going to be okay with my no shirt, jeans shorts look. No more can I rip off my shirt for any number of occasions.
My ex-girlfriend sends me her wedding invite…..I run outside and rip my shirt off.
Wendy’s forgot to give me an extra BBQ sauce packet….the shirt comes off.
It’s raining and the weatherman said it would be a sunny day…you know the drill.
It works for any occasion, and now, it’s just going to seem weird.
2 – Girls’ Night Out
There are more than a few unlucky men that have been forced to see a Twilight movie on opening night. There is always a look of pity and empathy as you spot out the other men in the crowd. But for those guys smart enough to be piggish and misogynistic, you have most likely avoided seeing any of these movies. That means, every year and a half, your lady has gone with her friends to make a night out of getting dinner and seeing Twilight. For you that means a free night of personal time. Without any more Twilight movies, you won’t have that free night to yourself. Now your James Bond BluRay marathon will have to wait till your girl goes with her gal-pals to the next Hunger Games movie.
1 – Twi-Hards
Most of all, I will miss the fans. There is nothing wrong with being passionate about entertainment. We are all guilty of that. But there is something wrong with a fan who is unwilling to see any flaws in whatever they geek out about. Twilight fans are girls under 18 or women/moms over the age of 36. I love these people because these are the women who were clapping because everyone was okay at the end of Breaking Dawn 2. These are the women who stayed through the closing credits and clapped for every actor (except Kristen Stewart, they all think she’s a harlot). These teens and cougars get to live out their fantasies in these movies. What cougar wouldn’t want an immortal 17 year old and a never-nude Native American boy fighting over them.
I will miss these women for their passion and for their unapologetic love for movies that are so terribly written, acted and filmed. I’m just sad that we’ll never be graced with speed running and climbing ever again. I’m so upset, I just might take off my shirt.
Thanks to those of you who help me with jokes. Someday I’ll be funny on my own.