Two years ago I wrote a list of survival lessons that horror movies have taught me how to react if I ever found myself in a horrific situation. That previous list was full of sound advice that ranged from remaining a virgin to always listening to your kids if they talk about their imaginary friend that happens to be a Japanese girl with wispy hair.
Yet, sometimes it’s not enough to just run away from trouble or to stay in a group no matter what. Recent horror movies have introduced a whole new set of morals that need to be followed in order to stay alive.
Zombies Won’t Bite You If You’re Sick
World War Z taught me many things. First, that a movie adaptation doesn’t need to have anything to do with the book it was based on in order to maintain the title. Second, that the general public loves PG-13 action movie zombies. But the most important point from the Brad Pitt-saves-the-universe movie (no, not 12 Years a Slave) is that zombies do not care to eat anything with a life-threatening disease. Everyone fears the Ebola outbreak, but it just may be the key to survival in the future zombie apocalypse.
Don’t Accept Drinks from Strangers
This isn’t necessarily a survival lesson just from horror flicks. It’s really common sense. It’s just smart thinking to not take a drink if you didn’t see it being prepared. The couple in Devil’s Due were enjoying a great honeymoon in the Dominican Republic all recorded on camera mind you. While they were enjoying the night life, they were taken to an underground club and given random drinks. Yada, yada, yada and the wife finds herself pregnant with the spawn of satan.
This lesson was learned the hard way by Justin Long in Tusk. He drank some tea prepared by a creepy Canadian storyteller and was poisoned. When we wakes up, he realizes that his legs have been cut off and that’s just the beginning of his transformation into a walrus. Another important morality tale to learn from Tusk is Don’t answer a classified that you found while standing at a urinal.
Turn Off Your Camera
Ghosts, monsters and demons across the supernatural world are looking for their 15 minutes of fame. In fact, It’s best to never bring a video camera anywhere, ever. Still pictures work out just fine if you’re trying to record your camping experience in the woods or if you’re breaking into a dead woman’s apartment.
Found footage movies show people that are so focused on documenting their experiences that they won’t let go of the camera even as their limbs are being ripped off. By bringing a video camera to an excursion, you are invoking absolute evil that craves the spotlight. You might as well be breaking out the Ouija Board. Which brings us to the next rule.
Toys from Your Childhood Can Be Conduits of Evil
The first thing I’m going to do, when I have a sneaking suspicion that my house is haunted, is to destroy every toy immediately. Somehow, they always end up being used to taunt you no matter what your age. For examples of this, look no further than Annabelle, the owl toy from Deliver Us From Evil or the Simon memory game from Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones. I can only imagine a haunted Teddy Ruxpin or Jenga. Apparently, any board game or concentration game on the shelves at your nearest Walmart can be used to summon or carry demons.
Speaking of The Marked Ones, did you know that Shotguns are very effective against witches? Yup, that’s another lesson.
If You Throw Something Away, and It Comes Back, It’s Evil
Annabelle is full of rules and morality tales. The young couple in the movie had several chances to prevent the haunting caused by little Annabelle. At one point, the husband wisely throws Annabelle in the trash. Keep in mind, this was weeks after hippies broke into their house and one died while holding the doll. Months after the husband throws the doll away, it appears again in their moving boxes. What do they do after seeing this mysterious, now dirty, doll again? They set it up on the mantle in their child’s room.
So many lessons here. First off, It might be a good idea to Lock your door at night so cultist hippies don’t break in and try to kill/curse you. Secondly, Don’t keep a doll that has been bled on by the dead hippie. A good rule of thumb is, if a dirty vagrant has bled on something, burn it. Lastly, much like the original rule of always listening to your children about the things they talk to when you’re not home, Listen to your spouse. If they say that something is terrorizing them while you’re not home, don’t send them to a nut house. There’s a 70% chance they’re being haunted. And to help matters, when picking out presents for the baby’s room, Don’t buy a doll from hell.