I love Thanksgiving. It’s really hard not to love a holiday where you eat until you have to unbuckle your pants, and it becomes a competition of how many plates of food you’ve eaten. Ah, good old American gluttony. I personally can’t wait for the turkey and mash potatoes smothered in gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes, and of course, several flavors of pie. But I can think of a few dinners I’ve seen in movies that I would not be thankful for. I’d like to give honorable mention to Soylent Green. I would have included Dumplings as well, but I care for your souls, dear readers. Enjoy and I’m sorry.
5 – Synthetic Gruel (The Matrix)
|“I wish there was no spoon.”|
If only the survivors were able to eat “a single-celled protein combined with synthetic aminos, vitamins and minerals.” But instead, they got something resembling a bowl of snot. Doesn’t that just scream delicious? I know times can get tough in “The Real World” of the Matrix, but couldn’t they grow any vegetables in Zion? Could you imagine eating this stuff every single meal, every day of your new life? I do not blame Cypher for betraying his friends, he was in it for the steak. I think we all have a breaking point and that was his. Plus, he knew the sequels would suck so, in fact, he was trying to save us all. Hold on, the list is about to get gross.
4 – Live Octopus (Oldboy)
|Deleted scene from Lady and the Tramp|
I’m aware that in certain cultures, people eat live squid and octopus. But, because I live in a comfortable bubble where we eat dead and cooked things, I ask WHY?! First off, you have to crunch the brain with your teeth so it doesn’t attach itself to your insides on the way down and start a stomach octopus colony, but you also have to worry about the ink, and let’s not forget those tentacles with weird bubble suckers. I feel so sick right now. I really should rank this higher based on personal sickness. In Oldboy, he downs the live octopus by chewing its head off and starts sliding the rest down his throat. All the while, the tentacles are whipping his face and resisting its fate. It’s no secret that Oldboy is crazy, and this scene, among many others, is the reason I can’t recommend this movie to many people.
3 – Green Gloop (Better Off Dead)
|I miss 80’s movies…|
I don’t even know what was in that pudding. Frankly I don’t want to know. But I’m sure that unholy combination of raisins and tapioca caused it to come alive. With all of the daydream fantasies Lane Myer has about rock and roll hamburgers, I would like to have seen more of the pudding from Hell. As a side note…if I see anything with raisins on it during my Thanksgiving feast, I’ll assume it’s alive and call an exorcist to send it back from whence it came! (I have always wanted to say that)
2 – Steak and Chicken (Poltergeist)
|And suddenly synthetic gruel starts sounding delicious.|
Poltergeist is a messed up movie. Never again will I ever eat a late night snack. I think I may swear off eating meat as well. As a late-night snack, Marty chews on a chicken drumstick while placing a thick cut of steak on the table. The steak takes a cue from the green pudding and starts crawling across the table. Then it starts bubbling and ulcers and boils start bursting and more bloody meat piles out of it. He is so shocked that he drops the chicken from his mouth and sees maggots crawling all over it. This reminds me, I need to clean out my fridge.
1 – Ray Liotta’s Brain (Hannibal)
|Slim Goodbody has hit some hard times|
So Hannibal Lecter’s a cannibal and that’s his lifestyle. I try not to judge. But when you have cannibals over for dinner, you don’t expect them to bring their own food/people. The Silence of the Lambs sequel was never able to match up to the original, but that scene is burned into the memory of everyone who has seen it. So, Ray Liotta is drugged out of his mind (pardon the pun) and Hannibal Lecter carefully takes off his skull in front of Clarice Starling. He cuts off a piece of the brain and fries it up, even as Ray Liotta says “smells good.” Then he freaking feeds Ray Liotta a piece of his own cooked brain. That is messed up. No thanks Hannibal, I think I’ll stick with the pumpkin pie.