The 5 Worst Movies of 2013…probably

Kenny D January 22, 2013 1
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I don’t claim to be able to see into the future. I don’t have a crystal ball. Though I did know someone who had a replica of David Bowie’s crystal ball from Labyrinth. I digress. What I’m trying to say is, the year has just begun and there is no possible way to know what movies are going to be terrible this upcoming year… Unless you use common sense. So, based on that, here are the 5 movies that will be the worst of the year (IMHO). Many of them will do very well financially, and other(s) will be critical hits, but I foresee the following five movies being my least favorite flicks of 2013.

5 – Side Effects
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I may be one of the few voices out there that cannot stand anything Steven Soderbergh puts out. Every one of his movies looks very interesting from the trailers, but turns out to be boring terribly-paced garbage. It’s very possible that I’ve never got over my anger that Oceans 12 was ever made. In Side Effects, Rooney Mara starts taking medication, prescribed by Jude Law, because she’s anxious about her husband, Channing Tatum, being released from prison. But the drugs start making her act out of character and she apparently commits murder under the pills’ influence.

Sorry Soderbergh, I know you have a thing for Tatum, but he’s not meant to be a dramatic lead. Perhaps mumbling dialogue is what you’re going for. If this movie is anything like Soderbergh’s last 3 films: Contagion, Magic Mike, and Haywire, I can expect to see a mess of side stories and plot lines that don’t matter. But you can expect this movie, which releases February 8th, to receive at least a 70% on Rotten Tomatoes.

4 – 300: Rise of an Empire
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I almost hate to put this one on here. When 300 came out, it was new and felt original. But with its overacting, reliance on green screen, and its copycats, it’s now looked down on. Everything about the original was gratuitousness on screen. But it actually kind of worked. This movie was such a “guy” movie, that it almost works to its detriment. Homo-erotic if you will. So now, years later we are getting a sequel. Sort of. Rise of an Empire, previously titled Battle of Artemisium, will show the backstory of the Persian God-King Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro). While the battle segments will take place concurrently with the first movie.

I would like to have hope for this movie, but I just think it will be a cash-in. Also, much of the star power is gone (Gerard Butler is said to make a cameo). I just don’t think audiences will care to revisit the land of sepia skies. Your next dining appointment in Hell will take place on August 2nd.

3 – GI Joe: Retaliation
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One of the worst movies of 2009 finally gets a sequel. But now it has undergone a total makeover. Previously, we had a movie led by Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans, now we have a Die Hard/Fast 5 crossover with Bruce Willis and The Rock. This movie was supposed to be released in August of last year. It came as a big surprise, 3 weeks before the release date, that the movie was being delayed till March of 2013. They already had the Burger King endorsements ready and everything. The official reason for the delay is that they wanted to capitalize on 3D ticket sales and post-convert the movie. But the word on the street is that they end up killing the entire original cast in the first 5 minutes of Retaliation (even Tatum), and now that Channing Tatum is a movie star, they saw the error of their ways. So they have recut scenes for the new release and I’m interested to see if they decide not to kill him, but to save him for the inevitable 3rd movie.

I guarantee this movie will be more fun than Rise of the Cobra. The action will be ridiculous and I feel like everyone involved will be in on the joke. But, it’s still going to be a terrible movie in the same way that the Fast and Furious movies (also releasing this year) are terrible. Be ready for this pre-Summer release on March 27th. Now you know when this movie is coming out, and knowing when to avoid the theaters is half the battle.

2 – Smurfs 2
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I am a parent and I know that kids will watch anything you put in front of them. I don’t blame kids for the media they consume, I blame the parents. Think about it, you have the power to mold your kid into whatever you want them to be. You don’t have to throw them to the wolves of Hollywood. Instead, give them an education in classic Fraggle Rock or teach them about the battle of good and evil by showing them Masters of the Universe or even the Transformers cartoon. Show them the original Smurf cartoon if you must. But don’t let movies like this and Alvin and the Chipmunks babysit your kids for 80 minutes. They deserve better and so does your DVD player.

Apparently Hank Azaria wasn’t embarrassed enough the first time around, so he, Neil Patrick Harris, and the Smurfs are back. This time around, Gargamel has created the Naughties, which are grey “naughty” smurfs. Their goal is to turn Smurfette into a Naughty. I can’t wait for the pop culture jokes which are certainly above children’s heads. This one rears it’s ugly blue head on July 31st.

1 – Grown Ups 2
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Why? Why did so many of you pay money to see this movie? And that’s not even the worst part, a great deal of you really like this movie. For that reason I am sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make you appreciate real comedy.

Okay, so I’m purposely being an elitist jerk, but I don’t see how that movie got made. Adam Sandler and his buddies just hang around and have boring conversations and play basketball. They were lucky enough to have a camera guy there, and somehow it got produced. I love hate to belabor the point, but I hated that movie. And now we’re getting a wacky sequel. And they’ve added a few fun characters this time around. What would make any movie better? What about the additions of Shaq and Taylor Lautner…

Get ready for this comedic version of Hostel on July 12th.

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